Where'd you get that Fear?

About five years ago I realized more and more I was starting to be afraid of things. Not anything I could exactly put my finger on, but just feeling fearful. And as time went on it began to grow. It would be as simple as being anxious about going somewhere , an event, or making excuses why I couldnt attend a function. This was not me. I was the kid who jumped off a two story house for a ball cap I wanted. Who rode wild horses all through school. I would invite my friends down to see how long they could ride on to my horse , then get on bareback and show em' how it was done. I would get up before large groups of folks I barely knew in my twenties and give Orientations on different subjects throughout the year. I even worked for an organization that dealt with twenty two countries. I didnt even know fear was in my vocabulary. It seemed to creep in little by little. The more things I missed out on, the more things in life I sat out on, the more I realized I was in the audience of the thing called life and the greater my fear grew. Life gets busy, kids grow up, and before long things that were once infrequent all the sudden become the norm. It got so bad I began to not know this reflection I would see when I looked in the mirror, this was not the girl I once knew. I began to slowly see that fear had it's grip on me so fierce that it was holding me back from all I was created to be. When I would try to outsmart it, practice postitive thinking or even messages of courage, none of it seemed to help. It seemed I had even gotten confortable with this thing called fear, even though I wanted it no more, I couldnt shake it . I kept telling myself it wasn't that bad but I felt like a hamster on a wheel. Spinning out of control but getting nowhere. I truly wanted to live again, but I was afraid of letting go of fear itself. It had become as comfortable to me as my throw blanket I dont go anywhere without. Although it was comfortable, it was also paralyzing. I started to think of my fear as a muscle, the more I exercised it, fed it, petted it, it would grow. I had planned on going back to college. I had taken many trips and great lengths to return last January. But when the time came, I acted like the date had never even been set. Just didn't even acknowledge it. Then when school did start, all over the internet were people talking about it. One of those people were supposed to have been me, but I chose to let fear over run everything I touched. I knew the opposite of fear is faith, so I began to exercise that muscle, every chance I could. There is always opportunites for faith, every day if we just look. When those feelings of fear would come up, I would ask myself why. Sometimes there wasn't a logical reason. Then I would proceed to replace that with faith. Not questioning it , debating it, just doing it. Sometimes I felt like I was just going thru the motions, but I was doing it. I am an Encourager by nature and it was time I show some of that love to myself as well. Faith that a Creator that set the stars in the sky cared about me. Giving me the tools to start a healing in me that was long overdue. He had shown me several times in just the last ten years how He had healed my body, now it was time to heal my soul. This cloak of fear had protected me from the world, but it also kept me from reaching my dreams. I have learned that Healing isn't a one time deal, that most of the time some of the same issues come up more than once. Its a process, sometimes a life long one. And that is okay too. But by increasing my faith, my fears have taken a back seat. Once in awhile that same feeling creeps up again. I no longer embrace it as a well loved friend, I put in where it belongs. Some fear is necessary to keeping us safe . Im okay with that. But I will never let it have center stage in my life, holding me back. He created me for Greatness. He didn't give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind.

The Hidden Closet

We moved into out house a year ago. We were blessed enough to do all the inside painting before we moved in. Then shortly after moving in our things we started the rest of the remodel. One by one everything got completed except for the dining room and kitchen floors and countertops, that are going to be completed in the next few weeks.
I made myself a nice office for the first time ever and decorated it just like I wanted. I also decided to use the closet in there for my clothes. Its a nice walk in llike every girl wants and would give the hubby more room in the bedroom for his things.
I got tired of moving and got down to that last little bit of stuff that you dont know what to do with it and started piling it in that big walk in closet. Over the last year little by little the piles grew. Even so much that I had to put my clothes in my grandsons bedroom so that I could get them in and out without having to move so much stuff every time I needed something as simple as a pair of jeans and a shirt. I have attempted to clean it out a time or two. I would get halfway thru and just tidy up the rest. It was never like I wanted it to be.
On my to do list for after the holidays was the dreadful closet. I attempted in January. I did better than ever before, but still felt like I had failed, so once again it got put off.
February rolled around, I then noticed stuff in that closet was taller than my five foot frame, this was getting ridiculous! One morning I asked the hubster to get me a shirt out of the boys closet . He came back with it and asked " Do you really have so many clothes you have to keep them in another room?" I answered "No, of course not" . He then said " Then whats the matter?" I just shrugged my shoulders.
So the next week I began to ponder, what really is the matter? Why is my house clean but this closet seems to be my dirty little secret?
I had things in the closet that were decor, old things, new things, odd and ends, if you needed something, it was probably in there. Even storage things, when I have a huge place for storage and its not supposed to be my closet.
I made a plan last week to drag everything out of the closet, see what was in there and put it where it needed to go, then move all my clothes back into my own closet, and use it as a real working closet that I could use every day.
While waiting on the holidays to pass I began to ask myself, am I a hoarder? My biological mother is and could I be also? No I didnt think so. This closet was hidden away so why did I even care? But i did, very much so.
I began to drag things out piece by piece, it lined from the office closet, down the hallway, thru the living room and to the front door. It was overwhelming. Extra sheets, laundry detergent, garage sale things, stuff for donations, paperwork, firesafe box, files and even household decor.
It took me almost all day to complete this project and it was overwhelming to say the least. I got out bins for keep, trash, and donate.
I began to ask myself as I looked at all of this mounds of stuff, why? What was behind this? Why did it keep happening over a year when I had made a few futile attempts to clean and tidy it up?
Then I sat in the floor and began to cry. It was evident then why it was there, why I could never accomplish the task even when my intentions were the best.
Twelve years ago last month, we had a house fire. We had spend five years preparing that house from a condemened state to a real home . We made it from a two bedroom to a four. We poured blood , sweat and tears into it. Four months prior to it burning we had put central heating and air in it. My then husband didnt check the wattage on the electrical and it overloaded the system.
Christmas of 2000 was the best christmas we had ever had financially. We had been young and struggling. My marriage had been bad for much longer than that. When our house burned, I knew it was over. And we began to talk divorce. It was only a matter of time.
I have long gotten over him, but the closet in my room at that house was where I put most of the things that were precious to me. It was also where I kept things the children gave me over the years as they grew. It was were I hid suprises I didnt want them to find as well as my favorite pair of boots.
I realized as I cleaned out this closet in this house, my personal closet that was all mine, that I had been so busy, so many tragedies and things had happened over the past ten years, so many years just trying to survive, I had never finished processing the loss of that fire.
If I was going to have the sanctuary I always wanted, I would have to deal with those feelings. So with each item I trashed, donated, stored and kept, I also expereinced those feelings. The hurt, the sorrow and even the joy that house had given me.
It was time to put that part of the past away and prepare for my future. When I got done it was like a two hundred pound weight had been lifted!
Every day I go in there to get my clothes, its a sense of peace. It makes me happy , just to feel it so nice and clean. It even bring a smile to my soul to start my day with. But most of all, its a sign that I am moving forward on my journey.
Who knew a closet, hidden from the world, held so much stuff!

A time of Reflection

A lot of people talk about how they arent into New Years Resolutions and how they wont reach what they set out to do anyway. I dont look at it that way. At the end of each year I look back on the events that happened, what could have been done a tad bit differently, but most of all how blessed that I was! Then I began to set goals for the new year, goals I can attain within reason.
2010 started out with a whirlwind. We had just moved into our house at christmas time and were doing almost a total remodel. We were lucky enough to be able to do the painting before we moved in. Then came christmas, it was all in such a rush we didnt get to decorate our house with lights like usual but we were okay with just moving in and having a tree up.
We worked on the remodel continuously until April when we decided we would jus tie up the loose ends & finish the kitchen flooring and cabinet tops till the following spring then we would be completely done and the house would all age at the same time, but as life has it, it ebbs and flows.
We were so very happy, I had just finished putting in my gardens out front and at the curbside when my husband lost his job! Oh how this put things into perspective!
Several weeks into it a friend asked us to come out to their house after church . When we got there they told us they were giving us something and he got out a huge ice chest and filled it to the brim with meat out of their freezer. I must admit my pride was a lil bit in the way and I was overhwhelmed. He began to tell us a story of how when he was in the first grade his class began to take up can goods for a needy family. A few weeks later these boxes of goods were on his front porch and the needy family was his! I was in awe and touched beyond belief, that someone would do this for us and that so many years ago a little boy was hungry but at the same time embarrased that his family was the one in need. I knew now that my own pride had no business being in the way and the position we were in ,temporarily, didnt hold a candle to his childhood years. This act of love from our friends was about the nicest thing anyone has ever done for us.
Robert got temporary day labor to hold us out over the summer and we were so very grateful. It was far from what he was used to but it paid our neccesities and got us by for sure.
Around Mothers day we got some free tickets to go see a Rangers game and Toby Mac was in concert a few hours before the game. I had seen him before but in this relaxed setting of an outdoor concert he was even more awesome! It was a beautiful crisp day which made it even sweeter! Then came the Rangers game, free tickets are in the nosebleeds so I always have to conquer my fear of heights each and every time. Around the 4th inning I started sweating profusely and was naseaous so I told Robert and he immediately said it was time to leave. I thought it was a little abrupt but noticed once I got up my clothes were drenched. I followed up with my Dr on monday and long story short all my tests came back good but I also began having chest pains, severe ones. So they scheduled a heart cath. A couple days before it was to be done we were packing late on night to go to one of my very best friends daughters wedding. It had been planned for a year and I was excited! Right before bed I told the hubs that I had a gut feeling we shouldnt go but I was having no symptoms so I didnt know why. He has learned more than I, to listen to my inner voice. He said to leave our bags packed and set the alarm and if I still felt that way in the morning we wouldnt go. I awoke before the alarm feeling like my arms were going to blow off! I called my Doc and he said go right to the ER. Long story , but I ended up spending seven days in ICU between my town and Baylor. I had a heart cath as well as a pacemaker put in. They almost send me home from each hospital but with my persistence they kept me and in the end told me how happy they were I has inisisted as it saved my life! Once again, always be your own advocate! After all it is your life! The night before my surgery one of my classmates I speak to on Facebook but have not seen in twenty five years came to see me at the hospital. Her and her sister both. We visited for awhile and they prayed over me. I was touched beyond words! I recieved my pacemaker on June 16th and on my birthday the very next day I turned 42 and was released from the hospital. When he went down to get the car the surgery nurses came in with balloons and a gourmet cake and sang Happy Birthday to me! I was so very touched and will never ever forget that birthday and my new chance at life, once again!
Its been a long six months recuperation and my church rallied around me with so much love! Bringing us meals the first week and while I was in the hospital covering me in prayer! As well as all my friends and classmates praying for me on facebook! I had no idea so many people cared for me! I was so overwhelmed and grateful for the outpouring of love shown to us!
In August we moved the youngest to college again, this time to the metroplex. In September Robert found a permenant job and it was more than we could have asked for.
On September 29th I woke up throwing up during the night and the next morning told the hubs that something was about to happen to my youngest daughter but I had no idea what. Three days later there was a knock at my door in the middle of the night and she had been involved in something very serious. I cant go into it here, as its yet to all be resolved, but I can tell you my heart fell to my knees. I have not been quite the same since.
I have spent the fall and winter recuperating, doing some small projects at home, and getting ready to return to college after sixteen long years. I had registered for school in the summer but since I was going in for testing I withdrew, now I am so glad that I did. But I also know that now it is time. Its time for me to reach some of the goals I have had in the making for a few years now.
Christmas was really good this year. For the first time since I was a child, we had ours on christmas day. I wasnt for it at first, but as children get older and have other people and things in their lives, traditions must change as well. Im just very grateful we all still get together.
Also this christmas my extended family got together for the holidays a few days after our own christmas. This had not happened in almost ten years. For once people were able to put aside their own prejudices, opinions and agendas for a day and we were able to be a family once again. This was the best christmas gift in years.
This next year I will go back to school, open a business on the side I hope and take some more time exploring who God created me to be!
I expect the year 2012 to be one of the very best yet!