The Christmas Gift of a Lifetime

I usually try to write when my emotions are fresh, but I have been extremely busy this month and am about three posts behind, one will have to suffice for today.
This year on my oldest daughters birthday, the 13th of Decemeber, brought back a flood of memories for me, on how she was created, the journey carrying her as well as what could have been had I not made the choice to keep her.
In 1986 I was sixteen years old, living with two of my older brothers in Pleasant Grove and working at Braums full time and Eckerds part time. They were about ten miles apart. I walked a mile to the bus stop , caught the bus to the first job then would catch the second bus to the other job and home. The next day I would start it all over, but it was a good time in my life. Times of learning lots of lessons , going hungry some ,and learning what I did and didnt want to do in life.
I was smitten with a family friend, I was sixteen and he was thrity. He had dark hair , olive skin and sky blue eyes you could get lost in. He was also married with three children. A lot of times he would have the older one from a previous marriage and we would go places together, it was the norm, Ricky had been around as long as I could remember. He worked on cars with my brothers till the wee hours of the night, came to family gatherings and was an excellent father.
One morning he had gotten released from a job for running over a water line with a bull dozer and had come by to talk to me about it, my brothers were at work and he needed to vent to someone. I was still in my robe and was making coffee. I thought nothing of it. An hour later we were laughing and joking, he said something, I slapped him on the arm and we proceeded to wrestle. One thing led to another and we ended up doing the deed. It wasnt planned at all. Right afterwards he said " I am so sorry I didnt you were a virgin" Like it was a bad word. I just shook my shoulders. Things were quite akward around each other after that. Five weeks later I got a pregnancy test and it was positive. I called him and we met up at some apartments and as soon as he pulled up and saw my face he said " I dont want to know" But I told him anyway, all he really had to say was " What do you think we should do?" I told him I wasnt getting an abortion so that wasnt an option, and a few mintues later we both left.
Two months later I went to an abortion clinic, they made you watch a video, i watch every horrific scene and walked outside and threw up on the sidewalk. I caught the bus out of there as quickly as I could.
I kept working both jobs, but had to keep buying bigger and bigger clothes. No one knew I was pregnant, it was a very lonely time for me. But this was the mid eighties, divorce was a mouth dropping subject and teen pregnancy was a huge taboo. It didnt happen often and when it did it sure wasnt talked about, that was only for "bad girls" . Now that I am older I know of many girls who were pregnant but got abortions or were sent to grandma's for a year for their "behavior" Conviently long enough to have a baby , but back then I had no idea it even existed.
In June I turned seventeen and around the first part of July it was getting very apparent no matter how hard I tried to hide it ,it could not be kept a secret. Everyone was asking me about my weight gain, especially my family, all i could reply with was I got free ice cream at Braums and was eating way too much of it. I was huge, I dont know how they didnt know. I went up to my grannys one time during that summer and later found out her husband Buford told her after I left, "Laura is pregnant and its a girl." I had told no one except Ricky.
The last weekend in June I called Edna Gladney in Ft Worth, a home where girls go to live while they are preganant and give their babies up for adoption. I set up an appointment for July 4th weekend. The weekend before I told my brothers I was pregnant but not by whom, one of them was happy and one was extremely disappointed. I gave notice at my jobs, packed up my things and on that friday while everyone was at work I left a note on the piano that I didnt want to burden them anymore and I took the Greyhound to Ft Worth, it is ingrained forever in my memory , the ticket was one way ticket for $13.23 . The only one who knew I was leaving was Ricky, he had came by the day before and I let him know and he replied " I think that's best".
Upon getting into Gladney there is an intake interveiw, I had in tow 2 bags and my table top record player/stereo. The lady asked me why I wanted to come to Gladney, I told her that I wanted to give my baby up for adoption but I also needed a place to stay. She told me she didnt know if I would be accepted on those terms so they let me stay the night and the powers that be had a big meeting, then came to our dorms the next day and told me I had been accepted.
My time at Gladney was some of the most memorable times I have had. I made true, lasting friendships. We were required to be in school or work towards our GED's ,as well as work twenty five hours a week on campus to earn our keep. We had apartment/dorm style rooms but they were large. We had a roomate , adjoining bathrooms and kitchens with two poeple next door. They gave us a budget for grocery shopping of $125 a week, so we had to get with our roomate each week and make a grocery list, then we would take a Gladney bus shopping. It was the highlight of each week! We also went on field trips, there was always something going on, you could participate or not, there were sign up sheets. The only thing I went on during my stay was a Billy Bobs feild trip and to the Ft Worth Stock show. I was a homebody even then. I worked part time at a Ceramic shop, I got to check out supplies and even run the kilns. I also answered the phones in the ages nine through fifteen year old dorm. I also took a typing class through Texas Chrisitan Univerisity at night. Somewhere in there I squeezed in a parenting class, all about pregnancy, birthing and newborns.
We had our own cafeteria on campus, a swimming pool, a private school and lots of gardens. It was a beautiful place. We also had a community living room where lots of late night card games and heart to heart conversations took place.
We had to make up a last name starting with the first letter of our last name and we would go by this moniker the whole time, even at weekly doctor check ups and any mail we would get. In the real world I was Laura Shehan, here I was Laura Shepherd.
Time passed at a snails pace there and then at times it went by very quickly, it was hard to explain. I had two people who wrote me regularly, Jessie Pierson and my granny who is now ninety four years old. I treasured those letters.I also had my oldest brother , I will call Dawson in my life who supported and loved me no matter what I did or what my decisions were.
Over time me and my brothers made peace and I told them who the father was. They were really mad at him and made all kinds of threats, but nothing came of it. Ricky ended up moving to the Cedar Creek area and away from Dallas to avoid my brothers wrath.
I remember my step mom having a get together at Halloween at her house in Italy Tx and I took the greyhound to my brothers house and rode out with them. That night me and those two brothers slept in the living room. In the dark, me and my closet brother, I will call him Darren, talked about my unborn baby. We talked about possible names for her. Even giving her up for adoption, I couldnt leave her without a name. We tossed around Ashley Nicole, Stormy Leigh Ann and Jamie Lynn. A few others in there somewhere but those are the ones we liked the most. He kept telling me he liked Ashley, I liked Stormy, a lot.
I went back to Ft Worth and girls began having babies and coming back for their six week check ups. I remember them coming back and telling us how their lives were going and what their plans for the future were, but most of all I remember the distance and pain in their eyes, they all had it , some worse than others. When you came back for your check up they gave you a letter from the parents your child was given to, what kind of house they lived in, their occupations, how many siblings, and on and on. I always wondered if these letters were complete bunk someone made up, years later I know of girls who have found their bio children and the letters were for real as well as their content.
I began to have reservations about giving my child up to strangers but more so the yearning and wandering I would live with, not knowing how she was, what she looked like or how her life turned out. This was the first of November and she was due November 24th, 1986.
I kept working my jobs, taking my GED and typing classes at night. I went home to my brothers house for Thanksgiving and on December 1st I decided I was going to keep my baby. I didnt know how I was going to support her or even give her the basics in life, but I knew I loved her and we would make a way. On Decemeber the 3rd when I was ten days overdue I left Edna Gladney and found a doctor in the real world. I desperately missed the girls from my dorm and the very close bonds we shared, but I didnt feel I could stand the instense pressure of them wanting my baby to be adopted if I had it there, although there were a few girls who didnt give theirs up after birth.I didnt want to deal with it.
On December 8th I sat for eight hours at Texas Chrisitan University and took my GED. They let me have frequent bathroom breaks and I was miserable. But I passed with flying colors. On December 12th I had a scheduled Dr appointment at eight o' clock , I was three weeks late and they were going to decide that day what day I would deliver. My brother Dawson drove me there and sat with me all day. After noon I started having pains and kept going up to the desk to tell them so. They kept telling me it was my first birth and I didnt know what labor pains were and if by chance I was in labor, it would take twenty four hours anyway.
At almost three, I had been up to the desk probably six times and started to cry telling her I was really hurting, so they took me back to check me, I was dialted to a four! So labor began, later near midnight I kept telling the Doc I didnt want to have her on friday the 13th, he replied, "Then you had better hurry!"
I had some complications and they grabbed her out with forceps, not long after one am on the day of December 13th, 1986 she was born. She was 8 lbs 2 ozs and 21 1/2 inches long with dark brown hair and olive skin, she was beautiful!
I remember calling the house to tell my brothers her weight and how she looked, and him waking the rest of them up yelling "Hey, she had her, she is here!"
I had a fever so I didint get to hold her till twenty seven hours later.
When they laid her in my lap the first time I knew what true love finally was. I knew there was so much more to this world than just me. I would never be the same again.
I stayed in the hospital four days, on the third day one of the nurses said" You need to give that child a name" I told her I would I was trying to decide. Jessie called from Georgia I belive and he thought Jessie Lee would be a great name, but late that night I christened her Jamie Lynn, thats what she looked like to me, and the next morning my brother Darren took me and my newborn daughter home.
It was overwhelming at first, but I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I had made the right decision, she was all mine.
I kept in touch with two of the girls from Gladney for many years and just recently my roomate found me on Facebook and only lives three hours away, we are planning to meet up next year.
I kept up with my childs father over the years as I knew she would one day want to meet him and she has, and last year he passed away.
But as me and my daughter worked on projects together this year during the time of her birthday , it brought back so many memories of twenty five years ago. I dont know what I would have done had I made the other choice. I do belive adoption is one of the most selfless acts of love their is, it was just not the choice for me.
She has been a tremendous gift. Full of wonder, imagaination, artistic, a woman who had big dreams. I am so very grateful God chose me as her mom and that twenty five years ago, when I was just a child myself, I made the best choice I could of, which was to keep and raise her the best I could. That christmas I recieved the biggest gift of all, my daughter.