All in a Decade

Its the very first few days of the New Year which brings me to the conclusion that just 10 years ago my life fell completely apart, & where I am today
In 2000 , the Millineum, was when I found out that my husband who I had filed for a divorce from and was sharing joint custody with , was facing a crime that he could possibly spend life behind bars from I had these three children to take care of and was in the worst possible health in my life! I wondered God Why now? Of all times why now? We were sharing the kids and getting along for the first time in eighteen years,I had my job at the hospital but my health was failing fast When all of this came about I felt like I was on the outside looking in I will never forget the day a friend took me to walmart to get groceries as my car had been repossessed and as we split the list to make the trip quicker and I took off down the aisle of Little Debbies I just couldnt make my feet move, So I just stood there with my buggy , I dont know how much time passed but when he came to get me with his buggy full of items mine was still empty, I had seen peoples mouths moving but I could not hear what they were saying I remember thinking, what is wrong with me, why cant I talk? So he gathered me up like a child in his arms leaving everything behind, and carried me out to the truck, took me home and put me in bed and tucked me in, told my oldest daughter to come get in with me and keep an eye on me. All I remembered that night was sleeping so deep, better than I had in weeks The next day I thought maybe this is what a nervous breakdown feels like and I never saw things thru those eyes again I went through a year of intense weeping, times of bitterness and numbness I thought the pain would never end I ached for my child that I could not make i to, I couldnt right his wrongs no matter how hard I wanted to, some of my children also would grow up without their dad being at their graduations, their weddings, all their milestones in life that your dad should be at, by his choices, they all have suffered I also thought I could chalk the last eighteen yrs of my life up to a complete and utter lie, or could I?
It was right after this that I lost my sister to a murder I just wondered when this sick joke was going to end
Fast forward a year and I met someone who I was instantly attracted and I was sure not looking,he was totally my opposite, I liked country boys with dark hair and dark eyes This stranger from Los Angeles had blonde hair to his butt and blue eyes and was the furthest thing from country you could get We formed a fast friendship and later a relationship At five weeks he asked me to marry him and I thought he was crazy, and he was, but crazy for me
A year later we were married That Christmas we had very little money and only a christmas tree big enough to put on an end table, I only had the money for like four presents and most were beanie babies so we wrapped them seperately to give the appearance of more , but we were happy
The next year we bought a house and things begin to get better financially as well as us bonding as a family
Almost two years later I was diagnosed with Lung cancer and had a portion of my rt lung removed I had tons of complications and instead of spending seven days in the hospital I stayed thirty It was a long year road of receovery For the second time in five years, my view of the world had changed
Two years later my mother in law and my father in law were both diagnosed with cancer and died , not only that ,it was three days apart from one another in different states I had put together a mothers day for my mother in law when she was first diagnosed, her last wish was all her kids and grandkids there, as we were boarding the plane we got the call my father in law had died My mother in law very much enjoyed her party then a lil while later, exactly eight hours before she passed away I died right before my husbands eyes I was in full cardiac arrest My husband and my brother in law brought me back not once, but twice by CPR I couldnt see and I was clinically dead, but I could hear Robert yelling "You cant leave me, You CANT do this to me" They saved my life that day I really wanted to go to be by my husbands side, but the Drs told me if I left I would die, I had such guilt of not being there , I loved her so very much
The next three yrs brought grandkids, graduations, and kids started to leave the nest
In March of 09 on a routine scan, my lung cancer came back in my other lung, I remember going by my husbands work crying uncontrollebly The first time i was never ever scared This time I knew was I was in for but by His grace it hasnt grown and I am in remission
In 2010 my husband has taken some college courses and I too am going back to school We have bought a home and our youngest child has left for college Oh the empty nest! I am just now adjusting and learning to appreacite this new found freedom
I look back on these ten years, I know with everything in me that God brought me this man to broaden my horizons,to learn more about the world as well as myself I am so thankful from where God has brought me in these last ten years I cant even express it But I do know I am in the best years of my life! I know there is still so much to learn, to experience & dreams to be revelaed! But ten years ago I never thought it was possible!

Healing in His time

This wk I met someone who was raped, as I looked into her eyes & told her it was not her fault, that she did not deserve this , tears streamed down her face I told her how I know this information, is because it also happened to me I too have walked in her shoes I was fresh out of nursing school workin in a new town at a new job and my car broke down The guy who worked there said it was his twenty first bday would I like to go out on a date, I said no , & he began to tell me how lucky I could be, I still was not interested I already already ckd my car in with the other guy who was on staff so I figured that was the end of it, three days later I went back & picked up my car Two wks later as I am sleeping I hear a crashing in the window in my bedroom as someome is coming thru it breaking the glass Its him! The same guy I met at the gas station who had asked me out! I was so frightened but what could I do? I stood up as he's mumbling all this time uncoherently about me turning him down about how no one turns him down, and then he starts hitting me, I fight back as best as I can but he is so very strong! Several things are knocked off the wall in the struggle He then ties me up to the bed & proceeds to rape me & it seems like its been hours , then he is face down in my bed & snoring, I am petrified and I start to gnaw at the ties that are on my hands, after a very long time I get loose,I grab a tshirt off the floor & I start tipoeing as quietly as I can out of the bedroom, even the doorknob turning seems like a bomb going off! I dont know what to do , if I start my car he may hear me, I go out the front door & there is this really old pickup, prob over twenty yrs old, running in my driveway with its lights on Is it his? I dont know, but I get in it & get on the freeway which is a block away & drive to the police department which is rt next to the hospital I work at, I walk up the steps to it which seem like eternity, I walk up to the window as the lady asks me what i want she says "Your face is bleeding" I said " I have just been attacked" and that is the last I remember as I pass out Later I wake up in the hospital ER & theres a nurse & an officer there I tell them my story the best I can & they treat all my wounds & send me home the next day with lots of paperwork I go back to work after a mo & then realize I jus cant stay in this town so I move This starts my next five yrs on a road to self destruction I made bad choices , partied a lot , even married a childhood sweetheart who I was married to for eighteen years, never really looking back on that day , the only time I do remember even slightly thinking about it was four yrs later when I get a letter from the courts saying he has been given two years probation I thought not much of it a being let down in my life was nothing new I realize now twenty four years later, that the wound was never healed , it was never even processed I never grieved for the girl who was so depserately violated The pain was so great, so deep , so much shame for something I did nothing to deserve But as I look into this girls eyes, I know how she feels, I know that she too will walk a road of healing , I hope, and it will somehow it some way affect he greatly in her adult life How I have no idea But the one thing I wanted more than anything was for her to know, she did nothing to deserve it
A lil later somewhere else I said my story, lil bits of it, aloud for the first time in twenty four years I relaized as I said it outloud that I was giving my pain a voice & where there is a voice there is also mercy & grace Where I open up to share with others who have had some of my same experiences I also offer hope for someone else I also know a Saviour who desperately wants to heal my brokeness He wants to take my sadness & turn it into pure joy! He loves me just as I am , just where I am & is willing to wait on me as long as it takes to heal this wound that has been buried I thought also over the yrs how many other ppl have crossed paths with who have had the same sections of their hearts walled off because of the same instance For that I will never know But for me I will put down my shame & my fears and say to everyone I come across, as I look them right in the eyes as I hold their hands, Listen to me, you did not deserve this & this is how I know why