The Christmas Gift of a Lifetime

I usually try to write when my emotions are fresh, but I have been extremely busy this month and am about three posts behind, one will have to suffice for today.
This year on my oldest daughters birthday, the 13th of Decemeber, brought back a flood of memories for me, on how she was created, the journey carrying her as well as what could have been had I not made the choice to keep her.
In 1986 I was sixteen years old, living with two of my older brothers in Pleasant Grove and working at Braums full time and Eckerds part time. They were about ten miles apart. I walked a mile to the bus stop , caught the bus to the first job then would catch the second bus to the other job and home. The next day I would start it all over, but it was a good time in my life. Times of learning lots of lessons , going hungry some ,and learning what I did and didnt want to do in life.
I was smitten with a family friend, I was sixteen and he was thrity. He had dark hair , olive skin and sky blue eyes you could get lost in. He was also married with three children. A lot of times he would have the older one from a previous marriage and we would go places together, it was the norm, Ricky had been around as long as I could remember. He worked on cars with my brothers till the wee hours of the night, came to family gatherings and was an excellent father.
One morning he had gotten released from a job for running over a water line with a bull dozer and had come by to talk to me about it, my brothers were at work and he needed to vent to someone. I was still in my robe and was making coffee. I thought nothing of it. An hour later we were laughing and joking, he said something, I slapped him on the arm and we proceeded to wrestle. One thing led to another and we ended up doing the deed. It wasnt planned at all. Right afterwards he said " I am so sorry I didnt you were a virgin" Like it was a bad word. I just shook my shoulders. Things were quite akward around each other after that. Five weeks later I got a pregnancy test and it was positive. I called him and we met up at some apartments and as soon as he pulled up and saw my face he said " I dont want to know" But I told him anyway, all he really had to say was " What do you think we should do?" I told him I wasnt getting an abortion so that wasnt an option, and a few mintues later we both left.
Two months later I went to an abortion clinic, they made you watch a video, i watch every horrific scene and walked outside and threw up on the sidewalk. I caught the bus out of there as quickly as I could.
I kept working both jobs, but had to keep buying bigger and bigger clothes. No one knew I was pregnant, it was a very lonely time for me. But this was the mid eighties, divorce was a mouth dropping subject and teen pregnancy was a huge taboo. It didnt happen often and when it did it sure wasnt talked about, that was only for "bad girls" . Now that I am older I know of many girls who were pregnant but got abortions or were sent to grandma's for a year for their "behavior" Conviently long enough to have a baby , but back then I had no idea it even existed.
In June I turned seventeen and around the first part of July it was getting very apparent no matter how hard I tried to hide it ,it could not be kept a secret. Everyone was asking me about my weight gain, especially my family, all i could reply with was I got free ice cream at Braums and was eating way too much of it. I was huge, I dont know how they didnt know. I went up to my grannys one time during that summer and later found out her husband Buford told her after I left, "Laura is pregnant and its a girl." I had told no one except Ricky.
The last weekend in June I called Edna Gladney in Ft Worth, a home where girls go to live while they are preganant and give their babies up for adoption. I set up an appointment for July 4th weekend. The weekend before I told my brothers I was pregnant but not by whom, one of them was happy and one was extremely disappointed. I gave notice at my jobs, packed up my things and on that friday while everyone was at work I left a note on the piano that I didnt want to burden them anymore and I took the Greyhound to Ft Worth, it is ingrained forever in my memory , the ticket was one way ticket for $13.23 . The only one who knew I was leaving was Ricky, he had came by the day before and I let him know and he replied " I think that's best".
Upon getting into Gladney there is an intake interveiw, I had in tow 2 bags and my table top record player/stereo. The lady asked me why I wanted to come to Gladney, I told her that I wanted to give my baby up for adoption but I also needed a place to stay. She told me she didnt know if I would be accepted on those terms so they let me stay the night and the powers that be had a big meeting, then came to our dorms the next day and told me I had been accepted.
My time at Gladney was some of the most memorable times I have had. I made true, lasting friendships. We were required to be in school or work towards our GED's ,as well as work twenty five hours a week on campus to earn our keep. We had apartment/dorm style rooms but they were large. We had a roomate , adjoining bathrooms and kitchens with two poeple next door. They gave us a budget for grocery shopping of $125 a week, so we had to get with our roomate each week and make a grocery list, then we would take a Gladney bus shopping. It was the highlight of each week! We also went on field trips, there was always something going on, you could participate or not, there were sign up sheets. The only thing I went on during my stay was a Billy Bobs feild trip and to the Ft Worth Stock show. I was a homebody even then. I worked part time at a Ceramic shop, I got to check out supplies and even run the kilns. I also answered the phones in the ages nine through fifteen year old dorm. I also took a typing class through Texas Chrisitan Univerisity at night. Somewhere in there I squeezed in a parenting class, all about pregnancy, birthing and newborns.
We had our own cafeteria on campus, a swimming pool, a private school and lots of gardens. It was a beautiful place. We also had a community living room where lots of late night card games and heart to heart conversations took place.
We had to make up a last name starting with the first letter of our last name and we would go by this moniker the whole time, even at weekly doctor check ups and any mail we would get. In the real world I was Laura Shehan, here I was Laura Shepherd.
Time passed at a snails pace there and then at times it went by very quickly, it was hard to explain. I had two people who wrote me regularly, Jessie Pierson and my granny who is now ninety four years old. I treasured those letters.I also had my oldest brother , I will call Dawson in my life who supported and loved me no matter what I did or what my decisions were.
Over time me and my brothers made peace and I told them who the father was. They were really mad at him and made all kinds of threats, but nothing came of it. Ricky ended up moving to the Cedar Creek area and away from Dallas to avoid my brothers wrath.
I remember my step mom having a get together at Halloween at her house in Italy Tx and I took the greyhound to my brothers house and rode out with them. That night me and those two brothers slept in the living room. In the dark, me and my closet brother, I will call him Darren, talked about my unborn baby. We talked about possible names for her. Even giving her up for adoption, I couldnt leave her without a name. We tossed around Ashley Nicole, Stormy Leigh Ann and Jamie Lynn. A few others in there somewhere but those are the ones we liked the most. He kept telling me he liked Ashley, I liked Stormy, a lot.
I went back to Ft Worth and girls began having babies and coming back for their six week check ups. I remember them coming back and telling us how their lives were going and what their plans for the future were, but most of all I remember the distance and pain in their eyes, they all had it , some worse than others. When you came back for your check up they gave you a letter from the parents your child was given to, what kind of house they lived in, their occupations, how many siblings, and on and on. I always wondered if these letters were complete bunk someone made up, years later I know of girls who have found their bio children and the letters were for real as well as their content.
I began to have reservations about giving my child up to strangers but more so the yearning and wandering I would live with, not knowing how she was, what she looked like or how her life turned out. This was the first of November and she was due November 24th, 1986.
I kept working my jobs, taking my GED and typing classes at night. I went home to my brothers house for Thanksgiving and on December 1st I decided I was going to keep my baby. I didnt know how I was going to support her or even give her the basics in life, but I knew I loved her and we would make a way. On Decemeber the 3rd when I was ten days overdue I left Edna Gladney and found a doctor in the real world. I desperately missed the girls from my dorm and the very close bonds we shared, but I didnt feel I could stand the instense pressure of them wanting my baby to be adopted if I had it there, although there were a few girls who didnt give theirs up after birth.I didnt want to deal with it.
On December 8th I sat for eight hours at Texas Chrisitan University and took my GED. They let me have frequent bathroom breaks and I was miserable. But I passed with flying colors. On December 12th I had a scheduled Dr appointment at eight o' clock , I was three weeks late and they were going to decide that day what day I would deliver. My brother Dawson drove me there and sat with me all day. After noon I started having pains and kept going up to the desk to tell them so. They kept telling me it was my first birth and I didnt know what labor pains were and if by chance I was in labor, it would take twenty four hours anyway.
At almost three, I had been up to the desk probably six times and started to cry telling her I was really hurting, so they took me back to check me, I was dialted to a four! So labor began, later near midnight I kept telling the Doc I didnt want to have her on friday the 13th, he replied, "Then you had better hurry!"
I had some complications and they grabbed her out with forceps, not long after one am on the day of December 13th, 1986 she was born. She was 8 lbs 2 ozs and 21 1/2 inches long with dark brown hair and olive skin, she was beautiful!
I remember calling the house to tell my brothers her weight and how she looked, and him waking the rest of them up yelling "Hey, she had her, she is here!"
I had a fever so I didint get to hold her till twenty seven hours later.
When they laid her in my lap the first time I knew what true love finally was. I knew there was so much more to this world than just me. I would never be the same again.
I stayed in the hospital four days, on the third day one of the nurses said" You need to give that child a name" I told her I would I was trying to decide. Jessie called from Georgia I belive and he thought Jessie Lee would be a great name, but late that night I christened her Jamie Lynn, thats what she looked like to me, and the next morning my brother Darren took me and my newborn daughter home.
It was overwhelming at first, but I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I had made the right decision, she was all mine.
I kept in touch with two of the girls from Gladney for many years and just recently my roomate found me on Facebook and only lives three hours away, we are planning to meet up next year.
I kept up with my childs father over the years as I knew she would one day want to meet him and she has, and last year he passed away.
But as me and my daughter worked on projects together this year during the time of her birthday , it brought back so many memories of twenty five years ago. I dont know what I would have done had I made the other choice. I do belive adoption is one of the most selfless acts of love their is, it was just not the choice for me.
She has been a tremendous gift. Full of wonder, imagaination, artistic, a woman who had big dreams. I am so very grateful God chose me as her mom and that twenty five years ago, when I was just a child myself, I made the best choice I could of, which was to keep and raise her the best I could. That christmas I recieved the biggest gift of all, my daughter.

Who I am, Unique

I have had debates today with my childrem on who I am, who they think I should be, and what in their eyes is okay, in what I say, do and be.. Let me say very clearly i am me, i was never meant to be a carbon copy of anyone else. I dont apologize for being the me that He created. Am I perfect, far from it, but I dont pretend to be someone I am not. I was created in 1968 from Gayle and Joseph Griffin. I was created out of love. My mother thought she wasnt ready for a children & wanted to abort me, my dad said no, seven years later when he was all that was left he gave me up for adoption. But I know that i was supposed to be on this earth, and to be the best me that I can manage. Learning, growing, hopefully until i am six foot under.
I was also told today that someone thinks I wrote something that they did, I have never ever copied, edited or tried to mimic anyones writing. If you go through some of my same experiences, especially as horrific as some of mine have been, you may or may not ever feel the way i do. But i dont feel the need to imitate anyone in this world. I am only here temporarily, we are all passing through. I will give this one count of mercy, and  remove it, but know that it will be just that once. Its not because I feel I have done anything wrong, but someone seems to think they have the corner on pain. I will not ever apologize for what I write, or if my heart is more like yours or the neighbor next door. I write from my heart, if you dont agree, thats okay too, you werent created to be the Me that I have become after many years, proud of! I wont feel ashamed for things I have done, right or wrong in my life, God didnt create me for that , He created me to learn from lifes lessons and move on. Better, brighter, a more rounded, ME!
So if you come here to read, feel free to leave comments, if its not a praise , thats okay too, i have broad shoulders for a short person. Thats the point of this, we are all created differently, I have earned that right. Some people dont appreciate that and that my friend is okay too. I encourage you to be the very best that you can be, to never strive to be your friend or keep up with the Jones. Feel free to be unique. In writing, in expression, in speech and certainly in life. I have been made to feel like I am failure today, like I missed the mark, because I am who I am . But tomorrow is a new day, i will pick up my cross like I do every day, and be just who i was created to be. Not near like anyone else, but with some of our expereinces the same. A rape victim may have some of the same feelings i do, because they have walked in my shoes, but i will never make them feel like they have copied me because they feel the same shame I did . I know when I lay in bed at night, I sleep good. I know I have done the best job I can do, as a writer, advocate, student of all that life has to offer, mother, daughter and friend. And if someone else doesnt think I make the mark on their measuring stick, then they need to take that up with the Father. He is the only one who can judge me. Today, tomorrow, or ever.

All in a Decade

Its the very first few days of the New Year which brings me to the conclusion that just 10 years ago my life fell completely apart, & where I am today
In 2000 , the Millineum, was when I found out that my husband who I had filed for a divorce from and was sharing joint custody with , was facing a crime that he could possibly spend life behind bars from I had these three children to take care of and was in the worst possible health in my life! I wondered God Why now? Of all times why now? We were sharing the kids and getting along for the first time in eighteen years,I had my job at the hospital but my health was failing fast When all of this came about I felt like I was on the outside looking in I will never forget the day a friend took me to walmart to get groceries as my car had been repossessed and as we split the list to make the trip quicker and I took off down the aisle of Little Debbies I just couldnt make my feet move, So I just stood there with my buggy , I dont know how much time passed but when he came to get me with his buggy full of items mine was still empty, I had seen peoples mouths moving but I could not hear what they were saying I remember thinking, what is wrong with me, why cant I talk? So he gathered me up like a child in his arms leaving everything behind, and carried me out to the truck, took me home and put me in bed and tucked me in, told my oldest daughter to come get in with me and keep an eye on me. All I remembered that night was sleeping so deep, better than I had in weeks The next day I thought maybe this is what a nervous breakdown feels like and I never saw things thru those eyes again I went through a year of intense weeping, times of bitterness and numbness I thought the pain would never end I ached for my child that I could not make i to, I couldnt right his wrongs no matter how hard I wanted to, some of my children also would grow up without their dad being at their graduations, their weddings, all their milestones in life that your dad should be at, by his choices, they all have suffered I also thought I could chalk the last eighteen yrs of my life up to a complete and utter lie, or could I?
It was right after this that I lost my sister to a murder I just wondered when this sick joke was going to end
Fast forward a year and I met someone who I was instantly attracted and I was sure not looking,he was totally my opposite, I liked country boys with dark hair and dark eyes This stranger from Los Angeles had blonde hair to his butt and blue eyes and was the furthest thing from country you could get We formed a fast friendship and later a relationship At five weeks he asked me to marry him and I thought he was crazy, and he was, but crazy for me
A year later we were married That Christmas we had very little money and only a christmas tree big enough to put on an end table, I only had the money for like four presents and most were beanie babies so we wrapped them seperately to give the appearance of more , but we were happy
The next year we bought a house and things begin to get better financially as well as us bonding as a family
Almost two years later I was diagnosed with Lung cancer and had a portion of my rt lung removed I had tons of complications and instead of spending seven days in the hospital I stayed thirty It was a long year road of receovery For the second time in five years, my view of the world had changed
Two years later my mother in law and my father in law were both diagnosed with cancer and died , not only that ,it was three days apart from one another in different states I had put together a mothers day for my mother in law when she was first diagnosed, her last wish was all her kids and grandkids there, as we were boarding the plane we got the call my father in law had died My mother in law very much enjoyed her party then a lil while later, exactly eight hours before she passed away I died right before my husbands eyes I was in full cardiac arrest My husband and my brother in law brought me back not once, but twice by CPR I couldnt see and I was clinically dead, but I could hear Robert yelling "You cant leave me, You CANT do this to me" They saved my life that day I really wanted to go to be by my husbands side, but the Drs told me if I left I would die, I had such guilt of not being there , I loved her so very much
The next three yrs brought grandkids, graduations, and kids started to leave the nest
In March of 09 on a routine scan, my lung cancer came back in my other lung, I remember going by my husbands work crying uncontrollebly The first time i was never ever scared This time I knew was I was in for but by His grace it hasnt grown and I am in remission
In 2010 my husband has taken some college courses and I too am going back to school We have bought a home and our youngest child has left for college Oh the empty nest! I am just now adjusting and learning to appreacite this new found freedom
I look back on these ten years, I know with everything in me that God brought me this man to broaden my horizons,to learn more about the world as well as myself I am so thankful from where God has brought me in these last ten years I cant even express it But I do know I am in the best years of my life! I know there is still so much to learn, to experience & dreams to be revelaed! But ten years ago I never thought it was possible!

Healing in His time

This wk I met someone who was raped, as I looked into her eyes & told her it was not her fault, that she did not deserve this , tears streamed down her face I told her how I know this information, is because it also happened to me I too have walked in her shoes I was fresh out of nursing school workin in a new town at a new job and my car broke down The guy who worked there said it was his twenty first bday would I like to go out on a date, I said no , & he began to tell me how lucky I could be, I still was not interested I already already ckd my car in with the other guy who was on staff so I figured that was the end of it, three days later I went back & picked up my car Two wks later as I am sleeping I hear a crashing in the window in my bedroom as someome is coming thru it breaking the glass Its him! The same guy I met at the gas station who had asked me out! I was so frightened but what could I do? I stood up as he's mumbling all this time uncoherently about me turning him down about how no one turns him down, and then he starts hitting me, I fight back as best as I can but he is so very strong! Several things are knocked off the wall in the struggle He then ties me up to the bed & proceeds to rape me & it seems like its been hours , then he is face down in my bed & snoring, I am petrified and I start to gnaw at the ties that are on my hands, after a very long time I get loose,I grab a tshirt off the floor & I start tipoeing as quietly as I can out of the bedroom, even the doorknob turning seems like a bomb going off! I dont know what to do , if I start my car he may hear me, I go out the front door & there is this really old pickup, prob over twenty yrs old, running in my driveway with its lights on Is it his? I dont know, but I get in it & get on the freeway which is a block away & drive to the police department which is rt next to the hospital I work at, I walk up the steps to it which seem like eternity, I walk up to the window as the lady asks me what i want she says "Your face is bleeding" I said " I have just been attacked" and that is the last I remember as I pass out Later I wake up in the hospital ER & theres a nurse & an officer there I tell them my story the best I can & they treat all my wounds & send me home the next day with lots of paperwork I go back to work after a mo & then realize I jus cant stay in this town so I move This starts my next five yrs on a road to self destruction I made bad choices , partied a lot , even married a childhood sweetheart who I was married to for eighteen years, never really looking back on that day , the only time I do remember even slightly thinking about it was four yrs later when I get a letter from the courts saying he has been given two years probation I thought not much of it a being let down in my life was nothing new I realize now twenty four years later, that the wound was never healed , it was never even processed I never grieved for the girl who was so depserately violated The pain was so great, so deep , so much shame for something I did nothing to deserve But as I look into this girls eyes, I know how she feels, I know that she too will walk a road of healing , I hope, and it will somehow it some way affect he greatly in her adult life How I have no idea But the one thing I wanted more than anything was for her to know, she did nothing to deserve it
A lil later somewhere else I said my story, lil bits of it, aloud for the first time in twenty four years I relaized as I said it outloud that I was giving my pain a voice & where there is a voice there is also mercy & grace Where I open up to share with others who have had some of my same experiences I also offer hope for someone else I also know a Saviour who desperately wants to heal my brokeness He wants to take my sadness & turn it into pure joy! He loves me just as I am , just where I am & is willing to wait on me as long as it takes to heal this wound that has been buried I thought also over the yrs how many other ppl have crossed paths with who have had the same sections of their hearts walled off because of the same instance For that I will never know But for me I will put down my shame & my fears and say to everyone I come across, as I look them right in the eyes as I hold their hands, Listen to me, you did not deserve this & this is how I know why