The Hidden Closet

We moved into out house a year ago. We were blessed enough to do all the inside painting before we moved in. Then shortly after moving in our things we started the rest of the remodel. One by one everything got completed except for the dining room and kitchen floors and countertops, that are going to be completed in the next few weeks.
I made myself a nice office for the first time ever and decorated it just like I wanted. I also decided to use the closet in there for my clothes. Its a nice walk in llike every girl wants and would give the hubby more room in the bedroom for his things.
I got tired of moving and got down to that last little bit of stuff that you dont know what to do with it and started piling it in that big walk in closet. Over the last year little by little the piles grew. Even so much that I had to put my clothes in my grandsons bedroom so that I could get them in and out without having to move so much stuff every time I needed something as simple as a pair of jeans and a shirt. I have attempted to clean it out a time or two. I would get halfway thru and just tidy up the rest. It was never like I wanted it to be.
On my to do list for after the holidays was the dreadful closet. I attempted in January. I did better than ever before, but still felt like I had failed, so once again it got put off.
February rolled around, I then noticed stuff in that closet was taller than my five foot frame, this was getting ridiculous! One morning I asked the hubster to get me a shirt out of the boys closet . He came back with it and asked " Do you really have so many clothes you have to keep them in another room?" I answered "No, of course not" . He then said " Then whats the matter?" I just shrugged my shoulders.
So the next week I began to ponder, what really is the matter? Why is my house clean but this closet seems to be my dirty little secret?
I had things in the closet that were decor, old things, new things, odd and ends, if you needed something, it was probably in there. Even storage things, when I have a huge place for storage and its not supposed to be my closet.
I made a plan last week to drag everything out of the closet, see what was in there and put it where it needed to go, then move all my clothes back into my own closet, and use it as a real working closet that I could use every day.
While waiting on the holidays to pass I began to ask myself, am I a hoarder? My biological mother is and could I be also? No I didnt think so. This closet was hidden away so why did I even care? But i did, very much so.
I began to drag things out piece by piece, it lined from the office closet, down the hallway, thru the living room and to the front door. It was overwhelming. Extra sheets, laundry detergent, garage sale things, stuff for donations, paperwork, firesafe box, files and even household decor.
It took me almost all day to complete this project and it was overwhelming to say the least. I got out bins for keep, trash, and donate.
I began to ask myself as I looked at all of this mounds of stuff, why? What was behind this? Why did it keep happening over a year when I had made a few futile attempts to clean and tidy it up?
Then I sat in the floor and began to cry. It was evident then why it was there, why I could never accomplish the task even when my intentions were the best.
Twelve years ago last month, we had a house fire. We had spend five years preparing that house from a condemened state to a real home . We made it from a two bedroom to a four. We poured blood , sweat and tears into it. Four months prior to it burning we had put central heating and air in it. My then husband didnt check the wattage on the electrical and it overloaded the system.
Christmas of 2000 was the best christmas we had ever had financially. We had been young and struggling. My marriage had been bad for much longer than that. When our house burned, I knew it was over. And we began to talk divorce. It was only a matter of time.
I have long gotten over him, but the closet in my room at that house was where I put most of the things that were precious to me. It was also where I kept things the children gave me over the years as they grew. It was were I hid suprises I didnt want them to find as well as my favorite pair of boots.
I realized as I cleaned out this closet in this house, my personal closet that was all mine, that I had been so busy, so many tragedies and things had happened over the past ten years, so many years just trying to survive, I had never finished processing the loss of that fire.
If I was going to have the sanctuary I always wanted, I would have to deal with those feelings. So with each item I trashed, donated, stored and kept, I also expereinced those feelings. The hurt, the sorrow and even the joy that house had given me.
It was time to put that part of the past away and prepare for my future. When I got done it was like a two hundred pound weight had been lifted!
Every day I go in there to get my clothes, its a sense of peace. It makes me happy , just to feel it so nice and clean. It even bring a smile to my soul to start my day with. But most of all, its a sign that I am moving forward on my journey.
Who knew a closet, hidden from the world, held so much stuff!