I have had debates today with my childrem on who I am, who they think I should be, and what in their eyes is okay, in what I say, do and be.. Let me say very clearly i am me, i was never meant to be a carbon copy of anyone else. I dont apologize for being the me that He created. Am I perfect, far from it, but I dont pretend to be someone I am not. I was created in 1968 from Gayle and Joseph Griffin. I was created out of love. My mother thought she wasnt ready for a children & wanted to abort me, my dad said no, seven years later when he was all that was left he gave me up for adoption. But I know that i was supposed to be on this earth, and to be the best me that I can manage. Learning, growing, hopefully until i am six foot under.
I was also told today that someone thinks I wrote something that they did, I have never ever copied, edited or tried to mimic anyones writing. If you go through some of my same experiences, especially as horrific as some of mine have been, you may or may not ever feel the way i do. But i dont feel the need to imitate anyone in this world. I am only here temporarily, we are all passing through. I will give this one count of mercy, and remove it, but know that it will be just that once. Its not because I feel I have done anything wrong, but someone seems to think they have the corner on pain. I will not ever apologize for what I write, or if my heart is more like yours or the neighbor next door. I write from my heart, if you dont agree, thats okay too, you werent created to be the Me that I have become after many years, proud of! I wont feel ashamed for things I have done, right or wrong in my life, God didnt create me for that , He created me to learn from lifes lessons and move on. Better, brighter, a more rounded, ME!
So if you come here to read, feel free to leave comments, if its not a praise , thats okay too, i have broad shoulders for a short person. Thats the point of this, we are all created differently, I have earned that right. Some people dont appreciate that and that my friend is okay too. I encourage you to be the very best that you can be, to never strive to be your friend or keep up with the Jones. Feel free to be unique. In writing, in expression, in speech and certainly in life. I have been made to feel like I am failure today, like I missed the mark, because I am who I am . But tomorrow is a new day, i will pick up my cross like I do every day, and be just who i was created to be. Not near like anyone else, but with some of our expereinces the same. A rape victim may have some of the same feelings i do, because they have walked in my shoes, but i will never make them feel like they have copied me because they feel the same shame I did . I know when I lay in bed at night, I sleep good. I know I have done the best job I can do, as a writer, advocate, student of all that life has to offer, mother, daughter and friend. And if someone else doesnt think I make the mark on their measuring stick, then they need to take that up with the Father. He is the only one who can judge me. Today, tomorrow, or ever.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
All in a Decade
Its the very first few days of the New Year which brings me to the conclusion that just 10 years ago my life fell completely apart, & where I am today
In 2000 , the Millineum, was when I found out that my husband who I had filed for a divorce from and was sharing joint custody with , was facing a crime that he could possibly spend life behind bars from I had these three children to take care of and was in the worst possible health in my life! I wondered God Why now? Of all times why now? We were sharing the kids and getting along for the first time in eighteen years,I had my job at the hospital but my health was failing fast When all of this came about I felt like I was on the outside looking in I will never forget the day a friend took me to walmart to get groceries as my car had been repossessed and as we split the list to make the trip quicker and I took off down the aisle of Little Debbies I just couldnt make my feet move, So I just stood there with my buggy , I dont know how much time passed but when he came to get me with his buggy full of items mine was still empty, I had seen peoples mouths moving but I could not hear what they were saying I remember thinking, what is wrong with me, why cant I talk? So he gathered me up like a child in his arms leaving everything behind, and carried me out to the truck, took me home and put me in bed and tucked me in, told my oldest daughter to come get in with me and keep an eye on me. All I remembered that night was sleeping so deep, better than I had in weeks The next day I thought maybe this is what a nervous breakdown feels like and I never saw things thru those eyes again I went through a year of intense weeping, times of bitterness and numbness I thought the pain would never end I ached for my child that I could not make i to, I couldnt right his wrongs no matter how hard I wanted to, some of my children also would grow up without their dad being at their graduations, their weddings, all their milestones in life that your dad should be at, by his choices, they all have suffered I also thought I could chalk the last eighteen yrs of my life up to a complete and utter lie, or could I?
It was right after this that I lost my sister to a murder I just wondered when this sick joke was going to end
Fast forward a year and I met someone who I was instantly attracted and I was sure not looking,he was totally my opposite, I liked country boys with dark hair and dark eyes This stranger from Los Angeles had blonde hair to his butt and blue eyes and was the furthest thing from country you could get We formed a fast friendship and later a relationship At five weeks he asked me to marry him and I thought he was crazy, and he was, but crazy for me
A year later we were married That Christmas we had very little money and only a christmas tree big enough to put on an end table, I only had the money for like four presents and most were beanie babies so we wrapped them seperately to give the appearance of more , but we were happy
The next year we bought a house and things begin to get better financially as well as us bonding as a family
Almost two years later I was diagnosed with Lung cancer and had a portion of my rt lung removed I had tons of complications and instead of spending seven days in the hospital I stayed thirty It was a long year road of receovery For the second time in five years, my view of the world had changed
Two years later my mother in law and my father in law were both diagnosed with cancer and died , not only that ,it was three days apart from one another in different states I had put together a mothers day for my mother in law when she was first diagnosed, her last wish was all her kids and grandkids there, as we were boarding the plane we got the call my father in law had died My mother in law very much enjoyed her party then a lil while later, exactly eight hours before she passed away I died right before my husbands eyes I was in full cardiac arrest My husband and my brother in law brought me back not once, but twice by CPR I couldnt see and I was clinically dead, but I could hear Robert yelling "You cant leave me, You CANT do this to me" They saved my life that day I really wanted to go to be by my husbands side, but the Drs told me if I left I would die, I had such guilt of not being there , I loved her so very much
The next three yrs brought grandkids, graduations, and kids started to leave the nest
In March of 09 on a routine scan, my lung cancer came back in my other lung, I remember going by my husbands work crying uncontrollebly The first time i was never ever scared This time I knew was I was in for but by His grace it hasnt grown and I am in remission
In 2010 my husband has taken some college courses and I too am going back to school We have bought a home and our youngest child has left for college Oh the empty nest! I am just now adjusting and learning to appreacite this new found freedom
I look back on these ten years, I know with everything in me that God brought me this man to broaden my horizons,to learn more about the world as well as myself I am so thankful from where God has brought me in these last ten years I cant even express it But I do know I am in the best years of my life! I know there is still so much to learn, to experience & dreams to be revelaed! But ten years ago I never thought it was possible!
In 2000 , the Millineum, was when I found out that my husband who I had filed for a divorce from and was sharing joint custody with , was facing a crime that he could possibly spend life behind bars from I had these three children to take care of and was in the worst possible health in my life! I wondered God Why now? Of all times why now? We were sharing the kids and getting along for the first time in eighteen years,I had my job at the hospital but my health was failing fast When all of this came about I felt like I was on the outside looking in I will never forget the day a friend took me to walmart to get groceries as my car had been repossessed and as we split the list to make the trip quicker and I took off down the aisle of Little Debbies I just couldnt make my feet move, So I just stood there with my buggy , I dont know how much time passed but when he came to get me with his buggy full of items mine was still empty, I had seen peoples mouths moving but I could not hear what they were saying I remember thinking, what is wrong with me, why cant I talk? So he gathered me up like a child in his arms leaving everything behind, and carried me out to the truck, took me home and put me in bed and tucked me in, told my oldest daughter to come get in with me and keep an eye on me. All I remembered that night was sleeping so deep, better than I had in weeks The next day I thought maybe this is what a nervous breakdown feels like and I never saw things thru those eyes again I went through a year of intense weeping, times of bitterness and numbness I thought the pain would never end I ached for my child that I could not make i to, I couldnt right his wrongs no matter how hard I wanted to, some of my children also would grow up without their dad being at their graduations, their weddings, all their milestones in life that your dad should be at, by his choices, they all have suffered I also thought I could chalk the last eighteen yrs of my life up to a complete and utter lie, or could I?
It was right after this that I lost my sister to a murder I just wondered when this sick joke was going to end
Fast forward a year and I met someone who I was instantly attracted and I was sure not looking,he was totally my opposite, I liked country boys with dark hair and dark eyes This stranger from Los Angeles had blonde hair to his butt and blue eyes and was the furthest thing from country you could get We formed a fast friendship and later a relationship At five weeks he asked me to marry him and I thought he was crazy, and he was, but crazy for me
A year later we were married That Christmas we had very little money and only a christmas tree big enough to put on an end table, I only had the money for like four presents and most were beanie babies so we wrapped them seperately to give the appearance of more , but we were happy
The next year we bought a house and things begin to get better financially as well as us bonding as a family
Almost two years later I was diagnosed with Lung cancer and had a portion of my rt lung removed I had tons of complications and instead of spending seven days in the hospital I stayed thirty It was a long year road of receovery For the second time in five years, my view of the world had changed
Two years later my mother in law and my father in law were both diagnosed with cancer and died , not only that ,it was three days apart from one another in different states I had put together a mothers day for my mother in law when she was first diagnosed, her last wish was all her kids and grandkids there, as we were boarding the plane we got the call my father in law had died My mother in law very much enjoyed her party then a lil while later, exactly eight hours before she passed away I died right before my husbands eyes I was in full cardiac arrest My husband and my brother in law brought me back not once, but twice by CPR I couldnt see and I was clinically dead, but I could hear Robert yelling "You cant leave me, You CANT do this to me" They saved my life that day I really wanted to go to be by my husbands side, but the Drs told me if I left I would die, I had such guilt of not being there , I loved her so very much
The next three yrs brought grandkids, graduations, and kids started to leave the nest
In March of 09 on a routine scan, my lung cancer came back in my other lung, I remember going by my husbands work crying uncontrollebly The first time i was never ever scared This time I knew was I was in for but by His grace it hasnt grown and I am in remission
In 2010 my husband has taken some college courses and I too am going back to school We have bought a home and our youngest child has left for college Oh the empty nest! I am just now adjusting and learning to appreacite this new found freedom
I look back on these ten years, I know with everything in me that God brought me this man to broaden my horizons,to learn more about the world as well as myself I am so thankful from where God has brought me in these last ten years I cant even express it But I do know I am in the best years of my life! I know there is still so much to learn, to experience & dreams to be revelaed! But ten years ago I never thought it was possible!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Healing in His time
This wk I met someone who was raped, as I looked into her eyes & told her it was not her fault, that she did not deserve this , tears streamed down her face I told her how I know this information, is because it also happened to me I too have walked in her shoes I was fresh out of nursing school workin in a new town at a new job and my car broke down The guy who worked there said it was his twenty first bday would I like to go out on a date, I said no , & he began to tell me how lucky I could be, I still was not interested I already already ckd my car in with the other guy who was on staff so I figured that was the end of it, three days later I went back & picked up my car Two wks later as I am sleeping I hear a crashing in the window in my bedroom as someome is coming thru it breaking the glass Its him! The same guy I met at the gas station who had asked me out! I was so frightened but what could I do? I stood up as he's mumbling all this time uncoherently about me turning him down about how no one turns him down, and then he starts hitting me, I fight back as best as I can but he is so very strong! Several things are knocked off the wall in the struggle He then ties me up to the bed & proceeds to rape me & it seems like its been hours , then he is face down in my bed & snoring, I am petrified and I start to gnaw at the ties that are on my hands, after a very long time I get loose,I grab a tshirt off the floor & I start tipoeing as quietly as I can out of the bedroom, even the doorknob turning seems like a bomb going off! I dont know what to do , if I start my car he may hear me, I go out the front door & there is this really old pickup, prob over twenty yrs old, running in my driveway with its lights on Is it his? I dont know, but I get in it & get on the freeway which is a block away & drive to the police department which is rt next to the hospital I work at, I walk up the steps to it which seem like eternity, I walk up to the window as the lady asks me what i want she says "Your face is bleeding" I said " I have just been attacked" and that is the last I remember as I pass out Later I wake up in the hospital ER & theres a nurse & an officer there I tell them my story the best I can & they treat all my wounds & send me home the next day with lots of paperwork I go back to work after a mo & then realize I jus cant stay in this town so I move This starts my next five yrs on a road to self destruction I made bad choices , partied a lot , even married a childhood sweetheart who I was married to for eighteen years, never really looking back on that day , the only time I do remember even slightly thinking about it was four yrs later when I get a letter from the courts saying he has been given two years probation I thought not much of it a being let down in my life was nothing new I realize now twenty four years later, that the wound was never healed , it was never even processed I never grieved for the girl who was so depserately violated The pain was so great, so deep , so much shame for something I did nothing to deserve But as I look into this girls eyes, I know how she feels, I know that she too will walk a road of healing , I hope, and it will somehow it some way affect he greatly in her adult life How I have no idea But the one thing I wanted more than anything was for her to know, she did nothing to deserve it
A lil later somewhere else I said my story, lil bits of it, aloud for the first time in twenty four years I relaized as I said it outloud that I was giving my pain a voice & where there is a voice there is also mercy & grace Where I open up to share with others who have had some of my same experiences I also offer hope for someone else I also know a Saviour who desperately wants to heal my brokeness He wants to take my sadness & turn it into pure joy! He loves me just as I am , just where I am & is willing to wait on me as long as it takes to heal this wound that has been buried I thought also over the yrs how many other ppl have crossed paths with who have had the same sections of their hearts walled off because of the same instance For that I will never know But for me I will put down my shame & my fears and say to everyone I come across, as I look them right in the eyes as I hold their hands, Listen to me, you did not deserve this & this is how I know why
A lil later somewhere else I said my story, lil bits of it, aloud for the first time in twenty four years I relaized as I said it outloud that I was giving my pain a voice & where there is a voice there is also mercy & grace Where I open up to share with others who have had some of my same experiences I also offer hope for someone else I also know a Saviour who desperately wants to heal my brokeness He wants to take my sadness & turn it into pure joy! He loves me just as I am , just where I am & is willing to wait on me as long as it takes to heal this wound that has been buried I thought also over the yrs how many other ppl have crossed paths with who have had the same sections of their hearts walled off because of the same instance For that I will never know But for me I will put down my shame & my fears and say to everyone I come across, as I look them right in the eyes as I hold their hands, Listen to me, you did not deserve this & this is how I know why
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Graham Relay for Life June 2010 My Journey
Hi my name is Laura Jones and I am pleased to be here with you for such a time as this
I was asked at the first of this year to be a part of this awesome opportunity called Relay for Life, and not only is it something very near and dear to me, but with it being my hometown it makes it even sweeter! I am very humbled and honored to be here and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for this opportunity to share with you. I will start out by telling you a little bit about myself, I will be 41 yrs old Thursday , I am married I have four children , with two boys and two girls, with the last one going to college in the fall. I am originally from Graham but have lived in East Texas for 17 years now. I am a chaplain for Texas Dept Criminal Justice. I want not only to be able to share my story but also to be able give others hope, whether you have walked in my shoes, or whether you have had a family member who has been through this journey called cancer.
My story starts in Sept of 2004, I all of the sudden had a persistent cough I could not get rid of, the more I had to cough, the more needed to cough. I did not have any insurance so I ended up spending 2 months and about $200 trying to get rid of a cough, I tried everything. Then one night as I was slowly walking around the track across the street from my school, I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest, and I felt like I was being squeezed, so for this I would go to the doctor and have it checked out . The very next day Nov 4th I went into the clinic to see my Dr and he took X rays, being an EMT /Nurse and working with him for many yrs he told me right away that he saw a mass on my right lung and personally called the Pulmonologist, the Lung Dr, himself from his personal phone, And I knew then that it must be something he was very worried about, something serious. I did all the diff tests and blood work they wanted and three wks later I was sitting in Tyler face to face with the Pulmonologist, not long after introductions, he was sitting back in his chair with his feet up, with his surgery cap on, looking thru my paperwork, He knew I was medical background and he looks me straight in the eye and says "Do you want the good version of it or the not so good version?", I said "Do NOT sugarcoats and of it, this is my LIFE we are talking about!" So he slowly starts to tell me about the possibility of taking out the middle lobe of my right lung, how it is done, how its much like open heart surgery, how I would be in the hospital 10 days, and it would be a year recovery I said "what is the good news?" he says "We are going to give you very good drugs while you are there " I said ," So you do all this , what are my chances ?" and he got very quiet and was looking at the floor He said " We can do all of this we have discussed and you could have many complications, but if that’s what what you want to do we can do it on Jan 28th , I do not think your chances are great " I asked him again, "What are my chances, give it to me straight " He said "At the rate your tumor is growing it doesn’t look good at all, percentage wise I would say 1-2 % " I said "Cool, my God only needs 1% chance to move " I got up, shook his hand and said " I will see you on the 28th!"
I was never scared, not for a minute, my family was beside themselves, my preacher was really worried, but I had such peace, it is hard to explain. I did not know if I would win this battle, but I did know I would be healed here or there, either way, I would win! I felt like God had already given me my miracle, all I had to do was go through and endure my storms, and come out the other side! I never once stayed up at night worrying; I gave God everything I had, my time, my resources and my energy, no matter how little it seemed, and I felt that my willingness and surrender would activate Gods intervention and blessings in my life! And it did!
You see when you ignite just one possibility that things will be okay, you activate faith, which turns into hope! I did not deny there was a problem; I just saw it from a new perspective, which was from Gods eyes!
It was a trying time that month of Jan 05, 2 wks before my surgery , I spent 12 hrs days in McKinney enduring my sisters murder trial , the wk between the trial and my surgery, we did what the doctor said, and got our affairs in order and spent quality time as a family.
The day of surgery and throughout this whole process I had so many people praying for me, so much support.
When I was in recovery the Dr Came in with tears in his eyes and said “I think we got it all”
I couldn’t get out of bed for 10 days and was in the hospital for 30 days due to complications. It was the hardest thing I have ever been thru, and it was an intense year recovery.
There are two funny stories that happened while I was in the hospital, six days in because my blood pressure had dropped out, they had pain medicines and narcotics, and I was left do endure it with no meds, I was in a lot of pain but also because they did not wean me, I into severe withdrawals and was paranoid. I would draw things, wrote down a lot of words, and thought people were out to get all my things when they would come into the room, it was really bad, I finally felt like what a crack addict may feel like! What was worse is I knew I was doing it and everything that was going on but could not stop it! One day when the Dr came in, when he was leaving I went to shake his hand and said "you don’t care about the care bears do you!" He was shocked! He looked at my husband and said "she’s Progressing from the neck down, but I am sure worried about her from the neck up!" And then at 14 days I was having a lot of complications and had severe pneumonia and so the Dr came in and got close to my face and said “If you don’t get up outta the bed and walk further and further each day you might not leave this hospital " So I walked more and the next day I asked if I could walk outside the hospital and they said "yes just let us know where and when you are going " So i did, well I ended up walking too far and a lot of things began to look the same , it had started to rain so I walked up in a bus shelter, it rained for over an hr and it was very cold, and I was barefoot, a little while longer a security guard in his security truck came along and said "Are you Laura Jones?" I said "YES! I sure am!" And he said “Honey I have been looking for you!" and he took me back to the hospital!
When I got home from the hospital it was the last day of Feb and very cold, the first thing i did was take my walker and go across to the middle school and sit on a big boulder and just be in nature and listen . To just soak it in. I was gone so long my husband came to find me as I was supposed to be on bed rest, but I just wanted to savor the moment. The sunshine was breathtaking, even though it was 50 degrees outside, the grass seemed greener than before, and the birds seemed like they were singing just for me! I sat there almost 2 hours and I will never look through the same eyes again!
Have I had an easy time, no, in 07 while going out to give my mother in law in Ca her last wishes, which was a last moms day with all her kids and grandkids, 8 hours before she passed, I went into cardiac arrest and was brought back not once but twice by CPR by my husband and brother in law, I am not even medically supposed to be here, but I keep defying the odds as I know God has a plan and a purpose for me! He is not finished with me yet!
Then in March 09 my lung cancer came back in my left lung, found on a routine scan, I went to the doctor just a day before I came here and was told I am still in remission. And I will continue to focus on the positive
Since 05 I have seen my last two children graduate and another grandson born. I would not have had the joy of experiencing these things if I had not had the courage to fight back!
I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and sharing my story of hope as long as I am able to. If you look thru the eyes of faith, those small blessings you have won’t be overlooked. I am not in denial but I am not willing to give up Faith and hope is not ignoring the present reality, it is acknowledging that with God, all things are possible.
I was asked at the first of this year to be a part of this awesome opportunity called Relay for Life, and not only is it something very near and dear to me, but with it being my hometown it makes it even sweeter! I am very humbled and honored to be here and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for this opportunity to share with you. I will start out by telling you a little bit about myself, I will be 41 yrs old Thursday , I am married I have four children , with two boys and two girls, with the last one going to college in the fall. I am originally from Graham but have lived in East Texas for 17 years now. I am a chaplain for Texas Dept Criminal Justice. I want not only to be able to share my story but also to be able give others hope, whether you have walked in my shoes, or whether you have had a family member who has been through this journey called cancer.
My story starts in Sept of 2004, I all of the sudden had a persistent cough I could not get rid of, the more I had to cough, the more needed to cough. I did not have any insurance so I ended up spending 2 months and about $200 trying to get rid of a cough, I tried everything. Then one night as I was slowly walking around the track across the street from my school, I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest, and I felt like I was being squeezed, so for this I would go to the doctor and have it checked out . The very next day Nov 4th I went into the clinic to see my Dr and he took X rays, being an EMT /Nurse and working with him for many yrs he told me right away that he saw a mass on my right lung and personally called the Pulmonologist, the Lung Dr, himself from his personal phone, And I knew then that it must be something he was very worried about, something serious. I did all the diff tests and blood work they wanted and three wks later I was sitting in Tyler face to face with the Pulmonologist, not long after introductions, he was sitting back in his chair with his feet up, with his surgery cap on, looking thru my paperwork, He knew I was medical background and he looks me straight in the eye and says "Do you want the good version of it or the not so good version?", I said "Do NOT sugarcoats and of it, this is my LIFE we are talking about!" So he slowly starts to tell me about the possibility of taking out the middle lobe of my right lung, how it is done, how its much like open heart surgery, how I would be in the hospital 10 days, and it would be a year recovery I said "what is the good news?" he says "We are going to give you very good drugs while you are there " I said ," So you do all this , what are my chances ?" and he got very quiet and was looking at the floor He said " We can do all of this we have discussed and you could have many complications, but if that’s what what you want to do we can do it on Jan 28th , I do not think your chances are great " I asked him again, "What are my chances, give it to me straight " He said "At the rate your tumor is growing it doesn’t look good at all, percentage wise I would say 1-2 % " I said "Cool, my God only needs 1% chance to move " I got up, shook his hand and said " I will see you on the 28th!"
I was never scared, not for a minute, my family was beside themselves, my preacher was really worried, but I had such peace, it is hard to explain. I did not know if I would win this battle, but I did know I would be healed here or there, either way, I would win! I felt like God had already given me my miracle, all I had to do was go through and endure my storms, and come out the other side! I never once stayed up at night worrying; I gave God everything I had, my time, my resources and my energy, no matter how little it seemed, and I felt that my willingness and surrender would activate Gods intervention and blessings in my life! And it did!
You see when you ignite just one possibility that things will be okay, you activate faith, which turns into hope! I did not deny there was a problem; I just saw it from a new perspective, which was from Gods eyes!
It was a trying time that month of Jan 05, 2 wks before my surgery , I spent 12 hrs days in McKinney enduring my sisters murder trial , the wk between the trial and my surgery, we did what the doctor said, and got our affairs in order and spent quality time as a family.
The day of surgery and throughout this whole process I had so many people praying for me, so much support.
When I was in recovery the Dr Came in with tears in his eyes and said “I think we got it all”
I couldn’t get out of bed for 10 days and was in the hospital for 30 days due to complications. It was the hardest thing I have ever been thru, and it was an intense year recovery.
There are two funny stories that happened while I was in the hospital, six days in because my blood pressure had dropped out, they had pain medicines and narcotics, and I was left do endure it with no meds, I was in a lot of pain but also because they did not wean me, I into severe withdrawals and was paranoid. I would draw things, wrote down a lot of words, and thought people were out to get all my things when they would come into the room, it was really bad, I finally felt like what a crack addict may feel like! What was worse is I knew I was doing it and everything that was going on but could not stop it! One day when the Dr came in, when he was leaving I went to shake his hand and said "you don’t care about the care bears do you!" He was shocked! He looked at my husband and said "she’s Progressing from the neck down, but I am sure worried about her from the neck up!" And then at 14 days I was having a lot of complications and had severe pneumonia and so the Dr came in and got close to my face and said “If you don’t get up outta the bed and walk further and further each day you might not leave this hospital " So I walked more and the next day I asked if I could walk outside the hospital and they said "yes just let us know where and when you are going " So i did, well I ended up walking too far and a lot of things began to look the same , it had started to rain so I walked up in a bus shelter, it rained for over an hr and it was very cold, and I was barefoot, a little while longer a security guard in his security truck came along and said "Are you Laura Jones?" I said "YES! I sure am!" And he said “Honey I have been looking for you!" and he took me back to the hospital!
When I got home from the hospital it was the last day of Feb and very cold, the first thing i did was take my walker and go across to the middle school and sit on a big boulder and just be in nature and listen . To just soak it in. I was gone so long my husband came to find me as I was supposed to be on bed rest, but I just wanted to savor the moment. The sunshine was breathtaking, even though it was 50 degrees outside, the grass seemed greener than before, and the birds seemed like they were singing just for me! I sat there almost 2 hours and I will never look through the same eyes again!
Have I had an easy time, no, in 07 while going out to give my mother in law in Ca her last wishes, which was a last moms day with all her kids and grandkids, 8 hours before she passed, I went into cardiac arrest and was brought back not once but twice by CPR by my husband and brother in law, I am not even medically supposed to be here, but I keep defying the odds as I know God has a plan and a purpose for me! He is not finished with me yet!
Then in March 09 my lung cancer came back in my left lung, found on a routine scan, I went to the doctor just a day before I came here and was told I am still in remission. And I will continue to focus on the positive
Since 05 I have seen my last two children graduate and another grandson born. I would not have had the joy of experiencing these things if I had not had the courage to fight back!
I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and sharing my story of hope as long as I am able to. If you look thru the eyes of faith, those small blessings you have won’t be overlooked. I am not in denial but I am not willing to give up Faith and hope is not ignoring the present reality, it is acknowledging that with God, all things are possible.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Sunday February 21,2010 Day 21
Integrity
If you only had one month to live you would want to review your character, your integrity. How have I acted? Have I been true to myself and others? You would want to learn from past mistakes,fix what you could ,and make peace with others. You would want your life to be whole and not settle for less than what you were made to be.
Integrity means wholeness ,not fractured. When you lack integrity you act one way at church and another way atyour job or school. A true sign of strength and character is to be the same no matter who we are with or where we are. Proverbs 28:6 says " Better to be a poor person who has integrity than to be rich and double dealing.
We can't put a price tag on integrity. When you have integrity it fills you with peace, passion, and a zest for life! It also brings extreme calmness in a crazy world!
Keeping up an image to impress people takes tremendous effort and endless amounts of energy. When what you see is what you get, that is integrity. Integrity is who you are when no one else is looking.
I have never been one to keep up to someone elses standards. But many people struggle with status in this world.
People lose integrity by lying. I have never tried much to lie as I didnt think I would be good at it. When you lie you have to rememeber who you told what and then make up another lie to cover the first one and on and on .I can't remember what I ate for breakfast let alone worrying about blowing my cover!
I know growing up my dad used to always say "Laura, dont you care what other people think?" I was a rebellious child and he was "someone" in town and I just did not care what people thought. Even when I was struggling , I wanted people to accept me for who I was.
Later in life when I truly thought I was living a life of integrity ,I know realize I wasn't as I would go out into the world and pretend things were perfect in church and our place of business while all the while I was living a terribly abused homelife. That is not integrity.
The real reason we lie is because we don't love enough. Lyingis an easy route for our own selfish convience. It's taking the easy road.If you risk loving , then you will tell the truth .The more you love , the less you lie. The more you love, the more you have the courage to tell the truth.
The great news is because the gift of the cross we have recieved a gift of a lifetime! We could never earn it or be good enough to get it on our own ! God loves us just because of who we are and not because of anything we have done. He can restore us and make our lives whole no matter how many times we have messed up!
Take a piece of paper and draw a large circle in the center of it, divide it into a pie with eight pieces, then label it with each section of your life, job, kids, hobbies, marriage , etc. Are you living out your values in each of these areas?
Some of these one month to live posts have exerpts from te book so what I write that applies to my own life will make sense, those that know me & how I write it is obvious what is mine and what is Exerpts, but I needed to add this , this applies to all my one month to live writings
If you only had one month to live you would want to review your character, your integrity. How have I acted? Have I been true to myself and others? You would want to learn from past mistakes,fix what you could ,and make peace with others. You would want your life to be whole and not settle for less than what you were made to be.
Integrity means wholeness ,not fractured. When you lack integrity you act one way at church and another way atyour job or school. A true sign of strength and character is to be the same no matter who we are with or where we are. Proverbs 28:6 says " Better to be a poor person who has integrity than to be rich and double dealing.
We can't put a price tag on integrity. When you have integrity it fills you with peace, passion, and a zest for life! It also brings extreme calmness in a crazy world!
Keeping up an image to impress people takes tremendous effort and endless amounts of energy. When what you see is what you get, that is integrity. Integrity is who you are when no one else is looking.
I have never been one to keep up to someone elses standards. But many people struggle with status in this world.
People lose integrity by lying. I have never tried much to lie as I didnt think I would be good at it. When you lie you have to rememeber who you told what and then make up another lie to cover the first one and on and on .I can't remember what I ate for breakfast let alone worrying about blowing my cover!
I know growing up my dad used to always say "Laura, dont you care what other people think?" I was a rebellious child and he was "someone" in town and I just did not care what people thought. Even when I was struggling , I wanted people to accept me for who I was.
Later in life when I truly thought I was living a life of integrity ,I know realize I wasn't as I would go out into the world and pretend things were perfect in church and our place of business while all the while I was living a terribly abused homelife. That is not integrity.
The real reason we lie is because we don't love enough. Lyingis an easy route for our own selfish convience. It's taking the easy road.If you risk loving , then you will tell the truth .The more you love , the less you lie. The more you love, the more you have the courage to tell the truth.
The great news is because the gift of the cross we have recieved a gift of a lifetime! We could never earn it or be good enough to get it on our own ! God loves us just because of who we are and not because of anything we have done. He can restore us and make our lives whole no matter how many times we have messed up!
Take a piece of paper and draw a large circle in the center of it, divide it into a pie with eight pieces, then label it with each section of your life, job, kids, hobbies, marriage , etc. Are you living out your values in each of these areas?
Some of these one month to live posts have exerpts from te book so what I write that applies to my own life will make sense, those that know me & how I write it is obvious what is mine and what is Exerpts, but I needed to add this , this applies to all my one month to live writings
Saturday February 20,2010 Day 20
Building a Foundation that Lasts
This chapter speaks to my heart in extra loud volumes!
I feel like I have had more changes and "earthquakes" in my life than most people would have if they lived lifetimes , but I have weathered through lifes storms and came out on the other side! I have lived through many losses. I have been robbed at gunpoint and left for dead, been homeless for a year with two children, and been in a abusive relationship for many years. But I have come out of it a stronger, more viable woman!
I think the only reason I have been sane at the end of these changes is because I know, who i know, whose child that I am !
I was drug to church when little whether you were sick , tired, had sports, it did not matter, you were to be at church, I often have told the kids, I was taught if you went out and partied till 3am you were still expected to get up at 9 am and go to church , it was just expected, no questions asked, but it gave me a sense of who I was and whom I belonged to .
I was made fun of in school for my way out of control hair and a speech impediment from a cleft palate, kids are cruel, but it somehow never affected my self confidence, as I knew at the end of the day , my God loved me unconditionally.
I think in this anything goes world , where are children are so boldly against the things of God, that , that kind of foundation is missing terribly.
An unshakable foundation is is the key to building a meaningful life,a lasting marriage, strong friendships, and successful businesses. Matthew 27:24-25 even tells about he man who builds his foundation on a rock.
I know at times in my life I have built my foundation on men, money,cars, and many things that would not last. And in the end , I have turned right back to my Saviour, the only thing that truly lasts!
You can't always predict when storms will come, but you can build your foundation on solid ground, that when the storms do come, and they will, your center will be strong enough to hold things together.
I know in 2000 our house burned, and we had lost everything .We had made more money in that year than ever before. Were we living "bad", no, but I certainly that year was not putting God first and foremost in my life. The fire happened twelve days after Christmas, and four months after adding on a room so that the oldest could have her own room. Losing a house and all your possesions is a very hurtful thing to go through. But i KNEW we would be okay. A friend of mine who was a fireman gave me a motel room for the night, and the first thingI did was get down on my knees at the end of the bed and thank God for my life and that we were all okay. My husband at the time was not saved and he was literally distraught. He did not have that solid foundation to pull from . I knew that I knew we would be okay. We would put one foot in front of the other and rebuild our lives.Unfortuantely for him, the loss was so huge, and our marriage of eighteeen years was not built on that solid foundation and ended in divorce the next year.
Did God cause that fire, I don't think so , but I do think He does sometimes knock us to our knees to show us whats more imporatant in life!
I describe it like this .I have always said no matter where my kids are what they are going through , I want my kids to always have God as their point of reference , to go to , and to seek advice, and weather any storm they may face! If you are committed to loving God and seeking a relationship with Him, he will hold you in His arms and never let you go!
What does you life revolove around right now? Who or what is at the center of your lifes wheel?
Describe the last time you have experienced the tremors of an earthquake in your life~your most recent trial.In what ways did it turn your life upside down? How are you different now and would you describe your relationship with God as stronger or weaker in the aftermath ?
This chapter speaks to my heart in extra loud volumes!
I feel like I have had more changes and "earthquakes" in my life than most people would have if they lived lifetimes , but I have weathered through lifes storms and came out on the other side! I have lived through many losses. I have been robbed at gunpoint and left for dead, been homeless for a year with two children, and been in a abusive relationship for many years. But I have come out of it a stronger, more viable woman!
I think the only reason I have been sane at the end of these changes is because I know, who i know, whose child that I am !
I was drug to church when little whether you were sick , tired, had sports, it did not matter, you were to be at church, I often have told the kids, I was taught if you went out and partied till 3am you were still expected to get up at 9 am and go to church , it was just expected, no questions asked, but it gave me a sense of who I was and whom I belonged to .
I was made fun of in school for my way out of control hair and a speech impediment from a cleft palate, kids are cruel, but it somehow never affected my self confidence, as I knew at the end of the day , my God loved me unconditionally.
I think in this anything goes world , where are children are so boldly against the things of God, that , that kind of foundation is missing terribly.
An unshakable foundation is is the key to building a meaningful life,a lasting marriage, strong friendships, and successful businesses. Matthew 27:24-25 even tells about he man who builds his foundation on a rock.
I know at times in my life I have built my foundation on men, money,cars, and many things that would not last. And in the end , I have turned right back to my Saviour, the only thing that truly lasts!
You can't always predict when storms will come, but you can build your foundation on solid ground, that when the storms do come, and they will, your center will be strong enough to hold things together.
I know in 2000 our house burned, and we had lost everything .We had made more money in that year than ever before. Were we living "bad", no, but I certainly that year was not putting God first and foremost in my life. The fire happened twelve days after Christmas, and four months after adding on a room so that the oldest could have her own room. Losing a house and all your possesions is a very hurtful thing to go through. But i KNEW we would be okay. A friend of mine who was a fireman gave me a motel room for the night, and the first thingI did was get down on my knees at the end of the bed and thank God for my life and that we were all okay. My husband at the time was not saved and he was literally distraught. He did not have that solid foundation to pull from . I knew that I knew we would be okay. We would put one foot in front of the other and rebuild our lives.Unfortuantely for him, the loss was so huge, and our marriage of eighteeen years was not built on that solid foundation and ended in divorce the next year.
Did God cause that fire, I don't think so , but I do think He does sometimes knock us to our knees to show us whats more imporatant in life!
I describe it like this .I have always said no matter where my kids are what they are going through , I want my kids to always have God as their point of reference , to go to , and to seek advice, and weather any storm they may face! If you are committed to loving God and seeking a relationship with Him, he will hold you in His arms and never let you go!
What does you life revolove around right now? Who or what is at the center of your lifes wheel?
Describe the last time you have experienced the tremors of an earthquake in your life~your most recent trial.In what ways did it turn your life upside down? How are you different now and would you describe your relationship with God as stronger or weaker in the aftermath ?
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Friday February 19, 2010 Day 19
Changing from the Inside out
People who are at the end of their lives often make radical life changes. They make amends, quit cussing, spend time with God and alone , and spend time with those they love.
I have noticed many times when being with my patients who are nearing the end that get this "distance " if you will, between them and their loved ones and the world itself. I think it is because they are beginning to accept their fate and are also in the middle of big changes from the inside out. They rediscover simple pleasures that we often take for granted such as a sunny day , a good nap, and a pleasant day.
I know when I got home from my lung cancer surgery in 2005 the very first thing I did was take my walker and go across to the school grounds and sit on a big boulder and just be in nature and listen. To just soak it in. It was a cold February day but I never noticed . I was gone so long my husband went to find me as I was supposed to be on bedrest. But I just wanted to savor the moment. The sunshine was breathtaking even though it was fifty degrees. The grass seemed much greener than before and the birds singing getting ready for spring was like angels singing to me . I sat there almost two hours and I will never see things through the same eyes again.
If you had one month to live you would most likely slow down and take a different approach to each and every day you had left.
In this busy busy world with technology at our fingertips we have forgotten how to relax. We have difficulty spending time alone. We don't know how to connect with ourselves or those we love the most.
We are always moving up the ladder to the next big promotion , bigger car or bigger house trying to satisfy ourselves. And the more we make the more we spend. So we never really get "caught up". And the empty hole is never filled . I have preached so many times on the God shaped hole. You can fill with everything in life you want to but only He can fill that space he was meant to be in.
The desires we have aren't always bad it is what motivates them that is troubling.
The secret to faith filled maturity is to be changed from the inside out , a metamorphosis of the soul. Like a butterfly , a caterpillar forms from a chrysalis and begins the process of tunring into something beautiful with wings. It doesn't wait for something to change , it changes from the inside out , all that it is created to be.
Too often we wait on something external to change us . But all the reasons in the world we can think of for not changing only delays the inevitable if we're serious about having healthy , dynamic souls.
I have heard the saying since I was a rebellious teen, that "wherever you go , there you are" and for years didn't have a clue what it meant. You can run but you can't hide. It's not about what's on the outside , it's what's in the inside .
I have also done a lot of volunteer work. i went to Pascagoula Mississippi after Hurrican Katrina , I was volunteer of the year at my son's school when he was in kindergarten, and volunteered to be there with oe of my very best friends in ninety nine when she took her last breath as her children could not bear it. I have found that in these times where I am offering up myself for service , for something or someone who can't give anything in return is when I can connect fully and enage with my soul , and it's also when I think about bringing about more change ,from the inside out.
Plan this week to spend one hour alone and uninteruppted.Go where you will not be disturbed . Take nothing to do while you are there and just ponder on how you can go about making changes , even small ones , to help you start to change from the inside out.out
People who are at the end of their lives often make radical life changes. They make amends, quit cussing, spend time with God and alone , and spend time with those they love.
I have noticed many times when being with my patients who are nearing the end that get this "distance " if you will, between them and their loved ones and the world itself. I think it is because they are beginning to accept their fate and are also in the middle of big changes from the inside out. They rediscover simple pleasures that we often take for granted such as a sunny day , a good nap, and a pleasant day.
I know when I got home from my lung cancer surgery in 2005 the very first thing I did was take my walker and go across to the school grounds and sit on a big boulder and just be in nature and listen. To just soak it in. It was a cold February day but I never noticed . I was gone so long my husband went to find me as I was supposed to be on bedrest. But I just wanted to savor the moment. The sunshine was breathtaking even though it was fifty degrees. The grass seemed much greener than before and the birds singing getting ready for spring was like angels singing to me . I sat there almost two hours and I will never see things through the same eyes again.
If you had one month to live you would most likely slow down and take a different approach to each and every day you had left.
In this busy busy world with technology at our fingertips we have forgotten how to relax. We have difficulty spending time alone. We don't know how to connect with ourselves or those we love the most.
We are always moving up the ladder to the next big promotion , bigger car or bigger house trying to satisfy ourselves. And the more we make the more we spend. So we never really get "caught up". And the empty hole is never filled . I have preached so many times on the God shaped hole. You can fill with everything in life you want to but only He can fill that space he was meant to be in.
The desires we have aren't always bad it is what motivates them that is troubling.
The secret to faith filled maturity is to be changed from the inside out , a metamorphosis of the soul. Like a butterfly , a caterpillar forms from a chrysalis and begins the process of tunring into something beautiful with wings. It doesn't wait for something to change , it changes from the inside out , all that it is created to be.
Too often we wait on something external to change us . But all the reasons in the world we can think of for not changing only delays the inevitable if we're serious about having healthy , dynamic souls.
I have heard the saying since I was a rebellious teen, that "wherever you go , there you are" and for years didn't have a clue what it meant. You can run but you can't hide. It's not about what's on the outside , it's what's in the inside .
I have also done a lot of volunteer work. i went to Pascagoula Mississippi after Hurrican Katrina , I was volunteer of the year at my son's school when he was in kindergarten, and volunteered to be there with oe of my very best friends in ninety nine when she took her last breath as her children could not bear it. I have found that in these times where I am offering up myself for service , for something or someone who can't give anything in return is when I can connect fully and enage with my soul , and it's also when I think about bringing about more change ,from the inside out.
Plan this week to spend one hour alone and uninteruppted.Go where you will not be disturbed . Take nothing to do while you are there and just ponder on how you can go about making changes , even small ones , to help you start to change from the inside out.out
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