Graham Relay for Life June 2013

This was my Fight Back Talk and I wanted to share it with you here, My name is Laura Berry and I am pleased to be here with you for such a time as this. I am honored to be a part of this awesome opportunity called Relay for Life. Not only is this something near and dear to me but being in my hometown is that much sweeter. I am humbled to be here and I thank you for being able to come here and share my story with you. I will start out by telling you a little bit about myself, I will be 44 yrs. old on Monday and I am married and have four children. I am originally from Graham but have lived in East Texas for twenty years now. Some of you may be familiar with my story but for those of you who are not, my journey began at the end of 2004, my only symptoms were a persistent cough. I ended up having a tightness in my chest but I attributed it to being out of shape as I had been trying to jog at the middle school across my house, but on the side of caution I went to the Doctor. He took X-rays and told me right away that he saw a mass on my lung and called the Pulmonologist from his personal phone, then I knew it was serious. The next month brought blood work, scans and many trips to Tyler. I will never forget sitting across from the Lung Dr. and him asking me if I wanted the good version or the not so good version. I am sure I cannot speak for everyone who has been diagnosed with cancer, but I do know you never forget the feeling of shock and utter disbelief that when you are told you have cancer. For me it was like an out of body experience. Being a Paramedic I felt like I was listening to the report of another patient, this couldn't be me. But it was. I looked the Dr. right in the eye and told him to not sugarcoat any of this, this was my LIFE we were talking about. He begins to tell me the possibility of taking out the middle lobe of my right lung, how it was like open heart surgery and I would be in the hospital 7-10 days. He tells me he can do all of this and It may be up to a year of recovery. I asked him what my chances of survival were and he said at the rate the tumor is growing not great. We won't know until we get in there but I'd say 1-2%.If I wanted to do this he could do it on the 28th. I got up out of my chair and told him my God only needed one chance to move on my behalf, I would see him on the 28th & shook his hand and left. I was never scared. As you can understand my family was beside themselves, I was thinking I must be in denial, but I truly had such peace, its hard to explain. I didn't know if I could win this battle, but I did know I would be healed here or there, either way, I would win! I felt like God had already given me my miracle, all I had to do was walk thru, endure the storms, and come out the other side. I gave God everything I had, my time, my resources, & my energy, no matter how little it seemed. I felt my willingness & surrender would activate God's intervention and blessing in my life . And it did! You see when you ignite one possibility that things will be okay, you activate faith, which turns into hope! I didn't deny there was a problem, I just saw it from a new perspective, from Gods eyes! It was a trying time in my life, we did what the Dr. said, got our affairs in order, spent quality time as a family, but we never gave up hope. The Dr. came into the recovery room and told me he was pretty sure he got it all. I was in the hospital 30 days due to complications, its been one of the hardest things I have ever been thru. When I got home from the hospital it was the last day of Feb. and very cold, but I took my walker over to the middle school and sat on a big boulder and just took in nature, the sunshine was breathtaking, the grass was greener and the birds seemed to be singing just for me! I sat there for 2 hours just taking it all in & I will never see things thru the same eyes again. In 07 while in California giving my mother in law her last wishes I went into cardiac arrest. I was brought back by CPR by my husband and brother in law not once but twice. In 09 my cancer came back in the other lung and I am still in remission. In 2010 I nearly died from heart complications and ended up with a pacemaker on my 41st birthday. I am not even medically supposed to be here but I keep defying the odds, as I know God has a plan and He isn't finished with me yet! I cant run hurdles, but I am back in college after 16 years, spending time with those I love and I will continue to focus on the positive. Looking back on all I went thru at times it feels like it was a lifetime ago and it times it feels like it was yesterday that my life changed forever. I had participated in Relay for Life before but after my cancer diagnosis it was very personal. Not only was I fighting for my cancer but ALL cancers! One of my favorite parts is the emphasis I places on recognizing the caregivers, as they are as much as a part of this diagnosis as the person with cancer, caregivers deserved to be honored just as much as its their love and support that gets us thru those difficult times. I want to say thank you to American Cancer Society and Relay for Life for giving everyone the opportunity to celebrate, remember and fight back, as we make a difference in this battle against cancer. Since my diagnosis in 04 I have seen all of my children graduate and two grandsons be born. I would not have had joy to experience those things had I not had the courage to fight back. If you look thru the eyes of faith, those small blessings you have wont be overlooked. I am not in denial that cancer exists or the reality of the costs, but I am not willing to give up Faith & Hope, acknowledging that with God, all things are possible! So whether you are a newly diagnosed patient, a longtime survivor, or a caregiver whose loved one is at this event or in your heart, please join me tonight in celebration of a world with less cancer & more birthdays, because together , we are making a difference in our world!

Where'd you get that Fear?

About five years ago I realized more and more I was starting to be afraid of things. Not anything I could exactly put my finger on, but just feeling fearful. And as time went on it began to grow. It would be as simple as being anxious about going somewhere , an event, or making excuses why I couldnt attend a function. This was not me. I was the kid who jumped off a two story house for a ball cap I wanted. Who rode wild horses all through school. I would invite my friends down to see how long they could ride on to my horse , then get on bareback and show em' how it was done. I would get up before large groups of folks I barely knew in my twenties and give Orientations on different subjects throughout the year. I even worked for an organization that dealt with twenty two countries. I didnt even know fear was in my vocabulary. It seemed to creep in little by little. The more things I missed out on, the more things in life I sat out on, the more I realized I was in the audience of the thing called life and the greater my fear grew. Life gets busy, kids grow up, and before long things that were once infrequent all the sudden become the norm. It got so bad I began to not know this reflection I would see when I looked in the mirror, this was not the girl I once knew. I began to slowly see that fear had it's grip on me so fierce that it was holding me back from all I was created to be. When I would try to outsmart it, practice postitive thinking or even messages of courage, none of it seemed to help. It seemed I had even gotten confortable with this thing called fear, even though I wanted it no more, I couldnt shake it . I kept telling myself it wasn't that bad but I felt like a hamster on a wheel. Spinning out of control but getting nowhere. I truly wanted to live again, but I was afraid of letting go of fear itself. It had become as comfortable to me as my throw blanket I dont go anywhere without. Although it was comfortable, it was also paralyzing. I started to think of my fear as a muscle, the more I exercised it, fed it, petted it, it would grow. I had planned on going back to college. I had taken many trips and great lengths to return last January. But when the time came, I acted like the date had never even been set. Just didn't even acknowledge it. Then when school did start, all over the internet were people talking about it. One of those people were supposed to have been me, but I chose to let fear over run everything I touched. I knew the opposite of fear is faith, so I began to exercise that muscle, every chance I could. There is always opportunites for faith, every day if we just look. When those feelings of fear would come up, I would ask myself why. Sometimes there wasn't a logical reason. Then I would proceed to replace that with faith. Not questioning it , debating it, just doing it. Sometimes I felt like I was just going thru the motions, but I was doing it. I am an Encourager by nature and it was time I show some of that love to myself as well. Faith that a Creator that set the stars in the sky cared about me. Giving me the tools to start a healing in me that was long overdue. He had shown me several times in just the last ten years how He had healed my body, now it was time to heal my soul. This cloak of fear had protected me from the world, but it also kept me from reaching my dreams. I have learned that Healing isn't a one time deal, that most of the time some of the same issues come up more than once. Its a process, sometimes a life long one. And that is okay too. But by increasing my faith, my fears have taken a back seat. Once in awhile that same feeling creeps up again. I no longer embrace it as a well loved friend, I put in where it belongs. Some fear is necessary to keeping us safe . Im okay with that. But I will never let it have center stage in my life, holding me back. He created me for Greatness. He didn't give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind.

The Hidden Closet

We moved into out house a year ago. We were blessed enough to do all the inside painting before we moved in. Then shortly after moving in our things we started the rest of the remodel. One by one everything got completed except for the dining room and kitchen floors and countertops, that are going to be completed in the next few weeks.
I made myself a nice office for the first time ever and decorated it just like I wanted. I also decided to use the closet in there for my clothes. Its a nice walk in llike every girl wants and would give the hubby more room in the bedroom for his things.
I got tired of moving and got down to that last little bit of stuff that you dont know what to do with it and started piling it in that big walk in closet. Over the last year little by little the piles grew. Even so much that I had to put my clothes in my grandsons bedroom so that I could get them in and out without having to move so much stuff every time I needed something as simple as a pair of jeans and a shirt. I have attempted to clean it out a time or two. I would get halfway thru and just tidy up the rest. It was never like I wanted it to be.
On my to do list for after the holidays was the dreadful closet. I attempted in January. I did better than ever before, but still felt like I had failed, so once again it got put off.
February rolled around, I then noticed stuff in that closet was taller than my five foot frame, this was getting ridiculous! One morning I asked the hubster to get me a shirt out of the boys closet . He came back with it and asked " Do you really have so many clothes you have to keep them in another room?" I answered "No, of course not" . He then said " Then whats the matter?" I just shrugged my shoulders.
So the next week I began to ponder, what really is the matter? Why is my house clean but this closet seems to be my dirty little secret?
I had things in the closet that were decor, old things, new things, odd and ends, if you needed something, it was probably in there. Even storage things, when I have a huge place for storage and its not supposed to be my closet.
I made a plan last week to drag everything out of the closet, see what was in there and put it where it needed to go, then move all my clothes back into my own closet, and use it as a real working closet that I could use every day.
While waiting on the holidays to pass I began to ask myself, am I a hoarder? My biological mother is and could I be also? No I didnt think so. This closet was hidden away so why did I even care? But i did, very much so.
I began to drag things out piece by piece, it lined from the office closet, down the hallway, thru the living room and to the front door. It was overwhelming. Extra sheets, laundry detergent, garage sale things, stuff for donations, paperwork, firesafe box, files and even household decor.
It took me almost all day to complete this project and it was overwhelming to say the least. I got out bins for keep, trash, and donate.
I began to ask myself as I looked at all of this mounds of stuff, why? What was behind this? Why did it keep happening over a year when I had made a few futile attempts to clean and tidy it up?
Then I sat in the floor and began to cry. It was evident then why it was there, why I could never accomplish the task even when my intentions were the best.
Twelve years ago last month, we had a house fire. We had spend five years preparing that house from a condemened state to a real home . We made it from a two bedroom to a four. We poured blood , sweat and tears into it. Four months prior to it burning we had put central heating and air in it. My then husband didnt check the wattage on the electrical and it overloaded the system.
Christmas of 2000 was the best christmas we had ever had financially. We had been young and struggling. My marriage had been bad for much longer than that. When our house burned, I knew it was over. And we began to talk divorce. It was only a matter of time.
I have long gotten over him, but the closet in my room at that house was where I put most of the things that were precious to me. It was also where I kept things the children gave me over the years as they grew. It was were I hid suprises I didnt want them to find as well as my favorite pair of boots.
I realized as I cleaned out this closet in this house, my personal closet that was all mine, that I had been so busy, so many tragedies and things had happened over the past ten years, so many years just trying to survive, I had never finished processing the loss of that fire.
If I was going to have the sanctuary I always wanted, I would have to deal with those feelings. So with each item I trashed, donated, stored and kept, I also expereinced those feelings. The hurt, the sorrow and even the joy that house had given me.
It was time to put that part of the past away and prepare for my future. When I got done it was like a two hundred pound weight had been lifted!
Every day I go in there to get my clothes, its a sense of peace. It makes me happy , just to feel it so nice and clean. It even bring a smile to my soul to start my day with. But most of all, its a sign that I am moving forward on my journey.
Who knew a closet, hidden from the world, held so much stuff!

A time of Reflection

A lot of people talk about how they arent into New Years Resolutions and how they wont reach what they set out to do anyway. I dont look at it that way. At the end of each year I look back on the events that happened, what could have been done a tad bit differently, but most of all how blessed that I was! Then I began to set goals for the new year, goals I can attain within reason.
2010 started out with a whirlwind. We had just moved into our house at christmas time and were doing almost a total remodel. We were lucky enough to be able to do the painting before we moved in. Then came christmas, it was all in such a rush we didnt get to decorate our house with lights like usual but we were okay with just moving in and having a tree up.
We worked on the remodel continuously until April when we decided we would jus tie up the loose ends & finish the kitchen flooring and cabinet tops till the following spring then we would be completely done and the house would all age at the same time, but as life has it, it ebbs and flows.
We were so very happy, I had just finished putting in my gardens out front and at the curbside when my husband lost his job! Oh how this put things into perspective!
Several weeks into it a friend asked us to come out to their house after church . When we got there they told us they were giving us something and he got out a huge ice chest and filled it to the brim with meat out of their freezer. I must admit my pride was a lil bit in the way and I was overhwhelmed. He began to tell us a story of how when he was in the first grade his class began to take up can goods for a needy family. A few weeks later these boxes of goods were on his front porch and the needy family was his! I was in awe and touched beyond belief, that someone would do this for us and that so many years ago a little boy was hungry but at the same time embarrased that his family was the one in need. I knew now that my own pride had no business being in the way and the position we were in ,temporarily, didnt hold a candle to his childhood years. This act of love from our friends was about the nicest thing anyone has ever done for us.
Robert got temporary day labor to hold us out over the summer and we were so very grateful. It was far from what he was used to but it paid our neccesities and got us by for sure.
Around Mothers day we got some free tickets to go see a Rangers game and Toby Mac was in concert a few hours before the game. I had seen him before but in this relaxed setting of an outdoor concert he was even more awesome! It was a beautiful crisp day which made it even sweeter! Then came the Rangers game, free tickets are in the nosebleeds so I always have to conquer my fear of heights each and every time. Around the 4th inning I started sweating profusely and was naseaous so I told Robert and he immediately said it was time to leave. I thought it was a little abrupt but noticed once I got up my clothes were drenched. I followed up with my Dr on monday and long story short all my tests came back good but I also began having chest pains, severe ones. So they scheduled a heart cath. A couple days before it was to be done we were packing late on night to go to one of my very best friends daughters wedding. It had been planned for a year and I was excited! Right before bed I told the hubs that I had a gut feeling we shouldnt go but I was having no symptoms so I didnt know why. He has learned more than I, to listen to my inner voice. He said to leave our bags packed and set the alarm and if I still felt that way in the morning we wouldnt go. I awoke before the alarm feeling like my arms were going to blow off! I called my Doc and he said go right to the ER. Long story , but I ended up spending seven days in ICU between my town and Baylor. I had a heart cath as well as a pacemaker put in. They almost send me home from each hospital but with my persistence they kept me and in the end told me how happy they were I has inisisted as it saved my life! Once again, always be your own advocate! After all it is your life! The night before my surgery one of my classmates I speak to on Facebook but have not seen in twenty five years came to see me at the hospital. Her and her sister both. We visited for awhile and they prayed over me. I was touched beyond words! I recieved my pacemaker on June 16th and on my birthday the very next day I turned 42 and was released from the hospital. When he went down to get the car the surgery nurses came in with balloons and a gourmet cake and sang Happy Birthday to me! I was so very touched and will never ever forget that birthday and my new chance at life, once again!
Its been a long six months recuperation and my church rallied around me with so much love! Bringing us meals the first week and while I was in the hospital covering me in prayer! As well as all my friends and classmates praying for me on facebook! I had no idea so many people cared for me! I was so overwhelmed and grateful for the outpouring of love shown to us!
In August we moved the youngest to college again, this time to the metroplex. In September Robert found a permenant job and it was more than we could have asked for.
On September 29th I woke up throwing up during the night and the next morning told the hubs that something was about to happen to my youngest daughter but I had no idea what. Three days later there was a knock at my door in the middle of the night and she had been involved in something very serious. I cant go into it here, as its yet to all be resolved, but I can tell you my heart fell to my knees. I have not been quite the same since.
I have spent the fall and winter recuperating, doing some small projects at home, and getting ready to return to college after sixteen long years. I had registered for school in the summer but since I was going in for testing I withdrew, now I am so glad that I did. But I also know that now it is time. Its time for me to reach some of the goals I have had in the making for a few years now.
Christmas was really good this year. For the first time since I was a child, we had ours on christmas day. I wasnt for it at first, but as children get older and have other people and things in their lives, traditions must change as well. Im just very grateful we all still get together.
Also this christmas my extended family got together for the holidays a few days after our own christmas. This had not happened in almost ten years. For once people were able to put aside their own prejudices, opinions and agendas for a day and we were able to be a family once again. This was the best christmas gift in years.
This next year I will go back to school, open a business on the side I hope and take some more time exploring who God created me to be!
I expect the year 2012 to be one of the very best yet!

The Christmas Gift of a Lifetime

I usually try to write when my emotions are fresh, but I have been extremely busy this month and am about three posts behind, one will have to suffice for today.
This year on my oldest daughters birthday, the 13th of Decemeber, brought back a flood of memories for me, on how she was created, the journey carrying her as well as what could have been had I not made the choice to keep her.
In 1986 I was sixteen years old, living with two of my older brothers in Pleasant Grove and working at Braums full time and Eckerds part time. They were about ten miles apart. I walked a mile to the bus stop , caught the bus to the first job then would catch the second bus to the other job and home. The next day I would start it all over, but it was a good time in my life. Times of learning lots of lessons , going hungry some ,and learning what I did and didnt want to do in life.
I was smitten with a family friend, I was sixteen and he was thrity. He had dark hair , olive skin and sky blue eyes you could get lost in. He was also married with three children. A lot of times he would have the older one from a previous marriage and we would go places together, it was the norm, Ricky had been around as long as I could remember. He worked on cars with my brothers till the wee hours of the night, came to family gatherings and was an excellent father.
One morning he had gotten released from a job for running over a water line with a bull dozer and had come by to talk to me about it, my brothers were at work and he needed to vent to someone. I was still in my robe and was making coffee. I thought nothing of it. An hour later we were laughing and joking, he said something, I slapped him on the arm and we proceeded to wrestle. One thing led to another and we ended up doing the deed. It wasnt planned at all. Right afterwards he said " I am so sorry I didnt you were a virgin" Like it was a bad word. I just shook my shoulders. Things were quite akward around each other after that. Five weeks later I got a pregnancy test and it was positive. I called him and we met up at some apartments and as soon as he pulled up and saw my face he said " I dont want to know" But I told him anyway, all he really had to say was " What do you think we should do?" I told him I wasnt getting an abortion so that wasnt an option, and a few mintues later we both left.
Two months later I went to an abortion clinic, they made you watch a video, i watch every horrific scene and walked outside and threw up on the sidewalk. I caught the bus out of there as quickly as I could.
I kept working both jobs, but had to keep buying bigger and bigger clothes. No one knew I was pregnant, it was a very lonely time for me. But this was the mid eighties, divorce was a mouth dropping subject and teen pregnancy was a huge taboo. It didnt happen often and when it did it sure wasnt talked about, that was only for "bad girls" . Now that I am older I know of many girls who were pregnant but got abortions or were sent to grandma's for a year for their "behavior" Conviently long enough to have a baby , but back then I had no idea it even existed.
In June I turned seventeen and around the first part of July it was getting very apparent no matter how hard I tried to hide it ,it could not be kept a secret. Everyone was asking me about my weight gain, especially my family, all i could reply with was I got free ice cream at Braums and was eating way too much of it. I was huge, I dont know how they didnt know. I went up to my grannys one time during that summer and later found out her husband Buford told her after I left, "Laura is pregnant and its a girl." I had told no one except Ricky.
The last weekend in June I called Edna Gladney in Ft Worth, a home where girls go to live while they are preganant and give their babies up for adoption. I set up an appointment for July 4th weekend. The weekend before I told my brothers I was pregnant but not by whom, one of them was happy and one was extremely disappointed. I gave notice at my jobs, packed up my things and on that friday while everyone was at work I left a note on the piano that I didnt want to burden them anymore and I took the Greyhound to Ft Worth, it is ingrained forever in my memory , the ticket was one way ticket for $13.23 . The only one who knew I was leaving was Ricky, he had came by the day before and I let him know and he replied " I think that's best".
Upon getting into Gladney there is an intake interveiw, I had in tow 2 bags and my table top record player/stereo. The lady asked me why I wanted to come to Gladney, I told her that I wanted to give my baby up for adoption but I also needed a place to stay. She told me she didnt know if I would be accepted on those terms so they let me stay the night and the powers that be had a big meeting, then came to our dorms the next day and told me I had been accepted.
My time at Gladney was some of the most memorable times I have had. I made true, lasting friendships. We were required to be in school or work towards our GED's ,as well as work twenty five hours a week on campus to earn our keep. We had apartment/dorm style rooms but they were large. We had a roomate , adjoining bathrooms and kitchens with two poeple next door. They gave us a budget for grocery shopping of $125 a week, so we had to get with our roomate each week and make a grocery list, then we would take a Gladney bus shopping. It was the highlight of each week! We also went on field trips, there was always something going on, you could participate or not, there were sign up sheets. The only thing I went on during my stay was a Billy Bobs feild trip and to the Ft Worth Stock show. I was a homebody even then. I worked part time at a Ceramic shop, I got to check out supplies and even run the kilns. I also answered the phones in the ages nine through fifteen year old dorm. I also took a typing class through Texas Chrisitan Univerisity at night. Somewhere in there I squeezed in a parenting class, all about pregnancy, birthing and newborns.
We had our own cafeteria on campus, a swimming pool, a private school and lots of gardens. It was a beautiful place. We also had a community living room where lots of late night card games and heart to heart conversations took place.
We had to make up a last name starting with the first letter of our last name and we would go by this moniker the whole time, even at weekly doctor check ups and any mail we would get. In the real world I was Laura Shehan, here I was Laura Shepherd.
Time passed at a snails pace there and then at times it went by very quickly, it was hard to explain. I had two people who wrote me regularly, Jessie Pierson and my granny who is now ninety four years old. I treasured those letters.I also had my oldest brother , I will call Dawson in my life who supported and loved me no matter what I did or what my decisions were.
Over time me and my brothers made peace and I told them who the father was. They were really mad at him and made all kinds of threats, but nothing came of it. Ricky ended up moving to the Cedar Creek area and away from Dallas to avoid my brothers wrath.
I remember my step mom having a get together at Halloween at her house in Italy Tx and I took the greyhound to my brothers house and rode out with them. That night me and those two brothers slept in the living room. In the dark, me and my closet brother, I will call him Darren, talked about my unborn baby. We talked about possible names for her. Even giving her up for adoption, I couldnt leave her without a name. We tossed around Ashley Nicole, Stormy Leigh Ann and Jamie Lynn. A few others in there somewhere but those are the ones we liked the most. He kept telling me he liked Ashley, I liked Stormy, a lot.
I went back to Ft Worth and girls began having babies and coming back for their six week check ups. I remember them coming back and telling us how their lives were going and what their plans for the future were, but most of all I remember the distance and pain in their eyes, they all had it , some worse than others. When you came back for your check up they gave you a letter from the parents your child was given to, what kind of house they lived in, their occupations, how many siblings, and on and on. I always wondered if these letters were complete bunk someone made up, years later I know of girls who have found their bio children and the letters were for real as well as their content.
I began to have reservations about giving my child up to strangers but more so the yearning and wandering I would live with, not knowing how she was, what she looked like or how her life turned out. This was the first of November and she was due November 24th, 1986.
I kept working my jobs, taking my GED and typing classes at night. I went home to my brothers house for Thanksgiving and on December 1st I decided I was going to keep my baby. I didnt know how I was going to support her or even give her the basics in life, but I knew I loved her and we would make a way. On Decemeber the 3rd when I was ten days overdue I left Edna Gladney and found a doctor in the real world. I desperately missed the girls from my dorm and the very close bonds we shared, but I didnt feel I could stand the instense pressure of them wanting my baby to be adopted if I had it there, although there were a few girls who didnt give theirs up after birth.I didnt want to deal with it.
On December 8th I sat for eight hours at Texas Chrisitan University and took my GED. They let me have frequent bathroom breaks and I was miserable. But I passed with flying colors. On December 12th I had a scheduled Dr appointment at eight o' clock , I was three weeks late and they were going to decide that day what day I would deliver. My brother Dawson drove me there and sat with me all day. After noon I started having pains and kept going up to the desk to tell them so. They kept telling me it was my first birth and I didnt know what labor pains were and if by chance I was in labor, it would take twenty four hours anyway.
At almost three, I had been up to the desk probably six times and started to cry telling her I was really hurting, so they took me back to check me, I was dialted to a four! So labor began, later near midnight I kept telling the Doc I didnt want to have her on friday the 13th, he replied, "Then you had better hurry!"
I had some complications and they grabbed her out with forceps, not long after one am on the day of December 13th, 1986 she was born. She was 8 lbs 2 ozs and 21 1/2 inches long with dark brown hair and olive skin, she was beautiful!
I remember calling the house to tell my brothers her weight and how she looked, and him waking the rest of them up yelling "Hey, she had her, she is here!"
I had a fever so I didint get to hold her till twenty seven hours later.
When they laid her in my lap the first time I knew what true love finally was. I knew there was so much more to this world than just me. I would never be the same again.
I stayed in the hospital four days, on the third day one of the nurses said" You need to give that child a name" I told her I would I was trying to decide. Jessie called from Georgia I belive and he thought Jessie Lee would be a great name, but late that night I christened her Jamie Lynn, thats what she looked like to me, and the next morning my brother Darren took me and my newborn daughter home.
It was overwhelming at first, but I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I had made the right decision, she was all mine.
I kept in touch with two of the girls from Gladney for many years and just recently my roomate found me on Facebook and only lives three hours away, we are planning to meet up next year.
I kept up with my childs father over the years as I knew she would one day want to meet him and she has, and last year he passed away.
But as me and my daughter worked on projects together this year during the time of her birthday , it brought back so many memories of twenty five years ago. I dont know what I would have done had I made the other choice. I do belive adoption is one of the most selfless acts of love their is, it was just not the choice for me.
She has been a tremendous gift. Full of wonder, imagaination, artistic, a woman who had big dreams. I am so very grateful God chose me as her mom and that twenty five years ago, when I was just a child myself, I made the best choice I could of, which was to keep and raise her the best I could. That christmas I recieved the biggest gift of all, my daughter.

Who I am, Unique

I have had debates today with my childrem on who I am, who they think I should be, and what in their eyes is okay, in what I say, do and be.. Let me say very clearly i am me, i was never meant to be a carbon copy of anyone else. I dont apologize for being the me that He created. Am I perfect, far from it, but I dont pretend to be someone I am not. I was created in 1968 from Gayle and Joseph Griffin. I was created out of love. My mother thought she wasnt ready for a children & wanted to abort me, my dad said no, seven years later when he was all that was left he gave me up for adoption. But I know that i was supposed to be on this earth, and to be the best me that I can manage. Learning, growing, hopefully until i am six foot under.
I was also told today that someone thinks I wrote something that they did, I have never ever copied, edited or tried to mimic anyones writing. If you go through some of my same experiences, especially as horrific as some of mine have been, you may or may not ever feel the way i do. But i dont feel the need to imitate anyone in this world. I am only here temporarily, we are all passing through. I will give this one count of mercy, and  remove it, but know that it will be just that once. Its not because I feel I have done anything wrong, but someone seems to think they have the corner on pain. I will not ever apologize for what I write, or if my heart is more like yours or the neighbor next door. I write from my heart, if you dont agree, thats okay too, you werent created to be the Me that I have become after many years, proud of! I wont feel ashamed for things I have done, right or wrong in my life, God didnt create me for that , He created me to learn from lifes lessons and move on. Better, brighter, a more rounded, ME!
So if you come here to read, feel free to leave comments, if its not a praise , thats okay too, i have broad shoulders for a short person. Thats the point of this, we are all created differently, I have earned that right. Some people dont appreciate that and that my friend is okay too. I encourage you to be the very best that you can be, to never strive to be your friend or keep up with the Jones. Feel free to be unique. In writing, in expression, in speech and certainly in life. I have been made to feel like I am failure today, like I missed the mark, because I am who I am . But tomorrow is a new day, i will pick up my cross like I do every day, and be just who i was created to be. Not near like anyone else, but with some of our expereinces the same. A rape victim may have some of the same feelings i do, because they have walked in my shoes, but i will never make them feel like they have copied me because they feel the same shame I did . I know when I lay in bed at night, I sleep good. I know I have done the best job I can do, as a writer, advocate, student of all that life has to offer, mother, daughter and friend. And if someone else doesnt think I make the mark on their measuring stick, then they need to take that up with the Father. He is the only one who can judge me. Today, tomorrow, or ever.

All in a Decade

Its the very first few days of the New Year which brings me to the conclusion that just 10 years ago my life fell completely apart, & where I am today
In 2000 , the Millineum, was when I found out that my husband who I had filed for a divorce from and was sharing joint custody with , was facing a crime that he could possibly spend life behind bars from I had these three children to take care of and was in the worst possible health in my life! I wondered God Why now? Of all times why now? We were sharing the kids and getting along for the first time in eighteen years,I had my job at the hospital but my health was failing fast When all of this came about I felt like I was on the outside looking in I will never forget the day a friend took me to walmart to get groceries as my car had been repossessed and as we split the list to make the trip quicker and I took off down the aisle of Little Debbies I just couldnt make my feet move, So I just stood there with my buggy , I dont know how much time passed but when he came to get me with his buggy full of items mine was still empty, I had seen peoples mouths moving but I could not hear what they were saying I remember thinking, what is wrong with me, why cant I talk? So he gathered me up like a child in his arms leaving everything behind, and carried me out to the truck, took me home and put me in bed and tucked me in, told my oldest daughter to come get in with me and keep an eye on me. All I remembered that night was sleeping so deep, better than I had in weeks The next day I thought maybe this is what a nervous breakdown feels like and I never saw things thru those eyes again I went through a year of intense weeping, times of bitterness and numbness I thought the pain would never end I ached for my child that I could not make i to, I couldnt right his wrongs no matter how hard I wanted to, some of my children also would grow up without their dad being at their graduations, their weddings, all their milestones in life that your dad should be at, by his choices, they all have suffered I also thought I could chalk the last eighteen yrs of my life up to a complete and utter lie, or could I?
It was right after this that I lost my sister to a murder I just wondered when this sick joke was going to end
Fast forward a year and I met someone who I was instantly attracted and I was sure not looking,he was totally my opposite, I liked country boys with dark hair and dark eyes This stranger from Los Angeles had blonde hair to his butt and blue eyes and was the furthest thing from country you could get We formed a fast friendship and later a relationship At five weeks he asked me to marry him and I thought he was crazy, and he was, but crazy for me
A year later we were married That Christmas we had very little money and only a christmas tree big enough to put on an end table, I only had the money for like four presents and most were beanie babies so we wrapped them seperately to give the appearance of more , but we were happy
The next year we bought a house and things begin to get better financially as well as us bonding as a family
Almost two years later I was diagnosed with Lung cancer and had a portion of my rt lung removed I had tons of complications and instead of spending seven days in the hospital I stayed thirty It was a long year road of receovery For the second time in five years, my view of the world had changed
Two years later my mother in law and my father in law were both diagnosed with cancer and died , not only that ,it was three days apart from one another in different states I had put together a mothers day for my mother in law when she was first diagnosed, her last wish was all her kids and grandkids there, as we were boarding the plane we got the call my father in law had died My mother in law very much enjoyed her party then a lil while later, exactly eight hours before she passed away I died right before my husbands eyes I was in full cardiac arrest My husband and my brother in law brought me back not once, but twice by CPR I couldnt see and I was clinically dead, but I could hear Robert yelling "You cant leave me, You CANT do this to me" They saved my life that day I really wanted to go to be by my husbands side, but the Drs told me if I left I would die, I had such guilt of not being there , I loved her so very much
The next three yrs brought grandkids, graduations, and kids started to leave the nest
In March of 09 on a routine scan, my lung cancer came back in my other lung, I remember going by my husbands work crying uncontrollebly The first time i was never ever scared This time I knew was I was in for but by His grace it hasnt grown and I am in remission
In 2010 my husband has taken some college courses and I too am going back to school We have bought a home and our youngest child has left for college Oh the empty nest! I am just now adjusting and learning to appreacite this new found freedom
I look back on these ten years, I know with everything in me that God brought me this man to broaden my horizons,to learn more about the world as well as myself I am so thankful from where God has brought me in these last ten years I cant even express it But I do know I am in the best years of my life! I know there is still so much to learn, to experience & dreams to be revelaed! But ten years ago I never thought it was possible!